Where I Reveal Myself To You In Terrible Ways

Most of these blog entries will be a record of self-loathing or depression.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Three Parts of the Day

1. After talking about gas this morning, I passed a rock through my colon. That was kind of a shock; I couldn't figure out what conditions had led to it. Eating crackers and avocados for two days? Not drinking enough water? Whatever it was, it was a morning surprise.

2. There were three women who caught my eye on my commute. This morning there was a young woman in a white dress. The dress looked light and was textured; if there was a pattern, it was cut into or sewn onto the dress. 

The dress was two layers, which I think was part of what attracted me; the top layer gave you the sense that you could see through it - that was the light and airy aspect; then the second layer blocked your view.

She wore a slender brown leather belt at her waist and had some kind of hair band in her brown hair. She was young, of course, probably late twenties or early thirties.

The second woman was on the train home. She was wearing colored pants - an orange-pink color, maybe? - with a white daisy silhouette pattern on them. Her shirt was one of those seemingly threadbare t-shirts. Her face was what I think of as "California natural" - slightly browned, freckled and unmade up.

Of course, what caught my eye was her breasts - or her bra - that stuck out....I can't think of the right word. Prominently. Brashly? I'm trying to find a kind word that also conveys the jut - wait! I think it might be proudly

In any case, her breasts and that t-shirt made for a hypnotizing combination.

The third woman - girl (under 35) - was in my Metro station as I was leaving. She was olive-colored; possibly Hispanic. Her shirt was dark olive and fit her well, as did her jeans. He reached in some way as I was passing and it created a small gap between her shirt and pants in the back, and I find those slashes of skin intoxicating.  She seemed to be having trouble with the machine and I considered stopping to offer help, but I figured she was smart enough to figure it out herself and I knew my motives were lousy. I didn't want her to see me as some creep, so I just kept going.

3. On the commute home, I realized my stomach was burning and my esophagus felt burnt. I sorted though possible explanations but wasn't sure what it could be. Was it what I ate today? Was it the fruit juice I drank? Was it that I ate too little? Was it that I got too little sleep? Was it that I ate non-stop today? (The boss brought in bagels, croissants and fruit.) I don't know, but I just want to sleep.

Ah, Memories

Yesterday was supposed to be my "stay at home work day," my "not at work productive day." Let's see how that went, shall we?

I got up at almost ten after setting my alarm for 7:30 (and constantly snoozing it for two hours). I came downstairs and instantly turned to my iPad and replied to a bunch of emails, searched for and sent some pictures to someone, wrote a blog entry and then opened up YouTube and began watching videos of British TV shows. 

At 12:30 I noticed it was 12:30 and started thinking about eating something. After a little more time I went to the store and bought myself 90% junk food, most of which I ate in the next two hours. 

I think it was around 4:30 or so that I stopped snoozing my alarm and just shut it off. 

Around quarter to five I lay down on the couch to take a nap but thought it was just about seven and turned on the TV to watch the news. It was early for the (national) news, but I watched some of the local news, interspersed with game shows. 

At 8 o'clock I watched Hollywood Game Night (which was a repeat) and at 9 o'clock I went to On Demand and watched an episode of Last Comic Standing, anticipating another one being on at ten; but it turned out the series had ended already, so I went back and watched another episode and then decided to pass on the finale as it was an hour and a half.

But at eleven I wasn't tired, so I went and watched an episode of @Midnight On Demand, then an episode of The Meltdown. 

Now it was midnight and I really should go to bed but I wasn't tired, so I didn't. I watched two or three or more episodes of the British TV show, while also visiting blogs and writing emails and comments to people.

Also during the night I ordered an entree and a large fries from delivery and had eaten them both. At one point I was sitting with my shirt off, my distended, hairy belly extending into the room like the namesake stove. I don't think of myself as fat so much anymore, but recently I've been eating more and the roundness is returning. Poverty was good for my weight.

I ended up going to sleep after three am, possibly even four (for some reason I think it was actually four, because I knew I'd only get to sleep for an hour and a half). How fucking stupid can you be (especially when I had felt tired an hour or more before that and chose to ignore it and push through. The times and efforts I choose to persevere for are all backwards.

So now I haven't slept much, my digestion's probably not good (some days I leave farts that smell like the dog I walk) and none of my bigger problems have been solved. But: I'm working on them. I've got more leads. I know what needs to be done. I'm able, if I'm willing. It can happen. I just need to follow through.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Good Evening

Now it's ten minutes until midnight and I have no plans to go to bed or feeling like I want to, should, or need to. Now I want to watch TV shows and do work - ah, fuck, I'm not gonna do work. (Although maybe if I didn't feel like I should go to bed, I would do work.)

Commercial Report: The Voice

The other ad they're showing on these On Demand episodes of Last Comic Standing is for the NBC show The Voice. The ads are about Pharrell Williams joining the cast as a judge, which I found odd, because before it would have been a step down for an international sensation to join a reality show; and I put the "reality" in italics to indicate a voice of disdain and looking-down-one's nose attitude. It speaks to how much the cultural or national attitude about reality shows has changed that this is happening. 


...aand of course he ends up getting kicked off on that episode. Damn it.

A Shambles

The day is a shambles. The house looks dirtier than it did this morning.

I did nothing today. I watched videos online. I went to the store and bought crackers, chips, cookies and soda. (And I just bought more! Dammit)

I spent $12 and I ate a sleeve of crackers, a sleeve of cookies and the entire can of Pringles.

Now I've just called to order Chinese food for fifteen bucks. And I'll add two for a tip, making it seventeen.

It was four or five before I started to feel like I had missed the day. It was only when the sun started to set that I started to realize what I should have done, how good I would have felt to have accomplished my tasks. All I could think was that if only I had had some help, someone to help me out of the house. 

But I didn't ask for help, either, which I could have done. I had texted New Mom about visiting her today and I was thinking I could have called her earlier in the day to hang out and to get me out of the house. The problem was that I saw visiting her as a chore, as something I had to do, instead of something I got to do (was able to do). If I had been able to see the opportunity instead of the obligation, I might have been able to free myself. God, my mind is jacked up.

It started at the very beginning of the day; I never get that right. My mind says: "Right! Day off, you can do nothing; watching TV is allowed."

Instead, I should be thinking: "Take a shower, it opens up the day for you, and you'll feel better." Maybe I need an autocall or a smart phone that can remind me every day that showering is the entrance to the day and it's my door to happiness, not an enemy that opens me up to stress. 

My boss texted me at 11:30 this morning to ask if I was at the office; that was nerve-wracking. I felt like I should have been, since he was asking - but this is the agreement we have; I'm off on Thursdays. But I also don't check my email outside of work hours and am generally unavailable and unaware, and that's not useful to them. So I worried a bit about that.

Tomorrow: work. Get up early, Michael. Embrace the day. Believe good things are in store, and put yourself into it. <--I think that's the thing everyone struggles with: doubt, fear, feelings of inadequacy and alienation. Believing in the good and that good things can happen is the hardest mindset to achieve, especially if it hasn't been your habit.

Side notes:
1) I'm so thrilled that Rocky Laporte is still on Last Comic Standing (well, on this old episode I'm watching On Demand). I saw his one night stand on Comedy Central and instantly wanted everyone I knew to see him because he was awesome. Then I forgot about him (although I think he's in my Amazon cart or on my Wishlist) and didn't buy it when I had money. But I'm glad he's on this; I love his material and his delivery.
2) There are ads for PayPal on this show; I've never seen ads for PayPal - at least not on TV. I find that curious.

The Process

If its not addiction, it's a lot like addiction.

I get up in the morning and I think "I'll just do a little bit, just to start the day, because I don't feel like I can go right into work or mental togetherness;" and then before I know it, it's one o'clock in the afternoon and I haven't showered and I haven't done anything and all my plans seem like shit or a bad approximation of what they should have been.

Bing! Insight: Even a bad approximation is better than nothing. The aim is to do something, and you've still got plenty of time for that, so hang on to that idea, try to take hope from it and remember you can do it and will feel good after.

[Now excuse me - I won't - while I go back to my addiction.]

Nothing Gets Done

On the plus side of last night, I didn't order take out or drink any soda like I had planned to. On the minus side, I came in, started up YouTube and pretty much didn't leave my chair for multiple hours (and took the thing to bed!).

I set my alarm for 7:30 planning to be industrious today (I always plan to be industrious) and now it's almost ten o'clock and I've just gotten up and answered emails.

I still don't have a place to live. The place that was back on? It's back off. The guy saw my paycheck and credit report and hauled on the brakes. I couldn't blame him. Thing is, if I had addressed the issues with my student loan six months ago, this wouldnt be an issue. But I decided there was nothing I could do and I should just wait until I became full time and start paying it, then I haven't become full time and it's gone into the danger zone. Fucking hell.

Today's tasks:
1) call my old job about getting tax forms so I can file taxes, so I can reduce the amount I have to pay on my student loan.
2) take boxes to storage and inquire about renting another unit to empty all of my shit into
3) write cards to my nieces and nephews and Successful Friend's kids for the start of the school year
4) pay my credit card (I might have already done that yesterday)
5) contact Nurse Friend about living with her and see where that thought is
6) look for more housing listings
7) buy some deodorant
8) maybe write some fiction
9) maybe do all the other tasks I give myself every night and never do

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Good with the Bad

The guy from the place with the difficult roommate called last night to say it was a go if I still wanted it. I hesitated for a moment as I started thinking about this other place, although I hadn't heard from the woman in 24 hours. I don't know if this new place would be any better: there would be four of us living there, landlord in the basement, sounded like, and I hadn't seen it yet. But as with any new place, you imagine it being wonderful.

This place is a known quantity, which is what it's got going for it. It has its problems (will it be too small? Will I be anxious about being in such close proximity all the time?), but it's got advantages (price is good, it's walkable from work, it's near a post office and grocery stores). I've just got to go and be and find out; adapt, as VT Friend says.

Now the tough part becomes clearing out everything I have from here; dealing with all of my current crap. Letting go of this life. That's going to be hard; as I've said before, in many ways this is the lap of luxury. Having one keeps-to-himself housemate in a giant house is nice. The only downside here is the TV is too small, which is a lousy complaint.

I'll need to bundle up all my papers; that's going to be a test. Unless I'm going to deal with them all in the next week and a half - holy shit that deadline's fast approaching - I'm going to have to take them with, or figure out how to let go to them. That might happen, but I don't know how; I'd really have to talk myself through that one. (The problem becomes: if they're meaningless, and the only reason I'm holding onto them are for the insights and notes and jokes I wrote on them which are all I've got that I value in myself, then how am I not meaningless?)

Last night I ate: a can of BBQ Pringles and 20 or so crackers covered in cheese (Colby jack). I drank a 24 ounce Pepsi. I probably drank some water as well, but not enough.

Yesterday for lunch I had a six inch sub which the bosses bought for me, who knows why; she was calling the husband to get something from Subway and asked if I wanted something. I guess they're just generous like that. I guess I can't figure it out because I feel like money spent on me is thrown away.

I was lucky to wake up on time today (although now I'm throwing it away); my alarm went off at 5:30 and then I woke up and it was a little bit light and I thought that odd. I finally checked my phone and it was in the settings mode for the alarm and it was 6:20.

Could have gotten up then, but I didn't; I reset it for 6:30 and lay back down; then guess what? It didn't go off again and I got suspicious and it turned out it had been knocked into settings mode again. 

I got up at 6:50, but I did some things in my room before I went to the shower, so that's why when I got out I was stunned to see it was 25 past (the latest it's been has been 15 past); but I determined I would do as I've always done and so I came down here and wasted time writing and now I'm going to be even later than I usually am (or not; I can choose to take a cab on the other end if I like). 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

A Similar Refrain

I stayed up far too late last night. I didn't eat anything until late last night. I didn't accomplish any of my chores last night. 

I didn't want to get up this morning. I stayed in bed after my own deadline this morning. I felt anxious after I regained consciousness this morning.

Causes of Anxiety
Work - something is due today. I sent it to the boss on Friday, but he didn't appear to get it, based on an email I got on Sunday night (when I finally checked). I sent it twice more that night. He asked about it yesterday and asked if I would have time to talk about it in the afternoon but in the afternoon he went into a meeting with some coworkers and was still in that meeting at 5, when I left.

I came home and didn't check my email or interact with work at all, as is my custom. I imagine me might have wanted me to.

Housing - the luxury place hasn't responded, although I could still call and see what he says on the phone. I emailed another place and it sounds promising; a woman who might not speak English has a master bedroom available for the same price I'm paying now. There's a bath to myself and a walk-in closet. Only question is: how big is the room?

Storage - which means I need to start thinking about putting my stuff in storage again and making that happen; that was going to happen this weekend, if I were keeping any kind of schedule. I still haven't contacted any places about where I could store my stuff. 

I was reading a list of Robin Williams quotes and thinking about the concept of letting go and believing it'll all be all right; I tend not to believe that (even if right now possibilities keep coming up for me) and I dont know how it would work in the current context (no, I probably do, I just have a deliberately mistaken view of what not worrying is, as opposed to moving forward with hope and courage).

Ugh. Time passes, and we are all one stop closer to the precipice. Still trying to figure it out.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Something's Wrong

I feel like shit.

I was going to come home and take my stuff to storage, but on the train I started to feel queasy. Then like an old person, I started speculating on what it could be.

Was it because I was reading on the train, and my head just got loose from my body?

Was it all the plastic I had been chewing on all day, releasing chemicals into my body?

Was it my infected tooth, sending out infection through my body?

Was it my gall bladder, stopping up after another two pieces of pizza and more fried pieces of chicken?

Was it a heart attack, coming on slowly, with mild symptoms?

Was I going to die?

There's no right time to die, I thought as I walked home from the Metro. You might think that you've reached a good stopping point, yourself, but there'll still be a galactic mess when you're gone. Nobody that loved you will be happy. Your stuff will still unorganized and unfinished. Your life will still be a mess. It will just become someone else's mess.

I feel slightly ill tonight, and I'm unhappy. I don't know what the cause is and I can't make it pass any faster. Guess I'll just try to hang on and make it.
Maybe I'm just too tired.

Continually Learning

You know, the Bible has a lot of lessons that are useful even in a non-religious context. 

The one that I always cite about myself is the Parable of the Talents, because it shows how fear is not the answer (and will be punished in the end, which fits in with my theory of condemnation for myself). 

The reason I bring it up here is because I left work on Friday thinking that I was going to do some work at home that night, and maybe some on Saturday. I knew there was a document I wanted to work on and share with my superiors, plus there were some emails I need to go over that were backing up.

I didn't do it. I didn't do it and didn't do it and finally last night I finally checked my work email and lo and behold the boss is asking me for things that I had already sent him. And my email said I have sixty-seven unread messages. Jesus fuck! Sixty seven?!

So now I'm going in to work a bit behind the eight ball. I don't know what's in those sixty seven emails, and maybe there's something that could have used a response this weekend and I didn't know about it. Plus the boss was asking for that document since Friday and I only emailed it to him last night at a quarter to nine, and who knows if he was up??

Meanwhile the sixty-seven emails will have gone up to seventy-five emails with the auto-alerts that come out today before seven. (Oh, wanna hear something lucky? I set my alarm for 5:30, but apparently I left a text message open, and so the alarm didn't sound [what?!?]. So I woke up, it was light out, and I hadn't heard the alarm. I looked at the clock and it was 6:40. Glad I didn't sleep any longer than that [esp since I went to bed at 2am or so]. 

So now I'm trying to eat a banana and get out of the house (although I'm running late already; the clock says twenty of and I want to leave in ten minutes and I've still got to shit and brush my teeth) to get the day started.

I never heard back from the luxury place; I just sent an email to another place. Good price, good location. We'll see. 

I talked to Nurse Friend about staying with her on Friday but she disconnected to walk the dog, saying she would call me back, and she never did. Oh, well. I suppose I could live with my brother for two weeks. Maybe.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

What I've Done and What I Haven't

Today I was going to do two things:

1) I was going to pack some boxes of books and take then to storage.
2) I was going to work on a work document and also go through all the listings I haven't seen since Friday. Also update a calendar.

I packed the books but didn't take them to storage. I didn't really get around to packing in a serious way until 3pm or so and the place closed at 5 and I just wasn't into it.

I didn't nothing in the way of work (although there's still the opportunity to); I'm maddest that I didn't shut off the TV at 3pm and face it (to be fair, at that time I went to the storage place and got five more boxes and began packing books in earnest). But I've been watching crap TV for the past hour (old 60 Minutes eps) and doing nothing productive (except that last entry). Meanwhile I have work I could be doing, or I could be writing out a shitload of entries on past news instead of allowing the notes to pile up (like they always do) which is the main problem in my life anyway. God damn I wish I could talk to myself.

Oh: other good thing I did: I wrote to the owner of the giant basement for rent. Haven't heard back, but we'll see. Somehow I feel like fate is pushing me in that direction, even though that could be my own mistaken foolishness. Im not being practical about it and I'm not working very hard on looking for other places (although I have looked and have an ad up now although I haven't responded).

60 Minutes, The Health Wagon and Former Senator Bill Frist

60 Minutes is repeating a segment about the Health Wagon, an RV that travels through Appalachia dispensing healthcare to people who can't afford it. 

So here's my question: Former Senator Bill Frist's family owns this giant hospital business that makes hundreds of millions of dollars off the sick and the insurance industry (which in turn is from the people's pockets). 

So here's my question: why can't the Frist family come up with $20 million for 20 of these trucks to share the burden of healthcare in these regions. If Frist believes in A) keeping the government out of it, B) the power and responsibility of private citizens industries to take on these problems, and C) the American people who live in these regions, who are generally the kind of people who vote Republican and a referred to as "hardworking Americans" in all their literature, then they would show it by creating a program that deals with this problem. 

Hey: you can boast about you private alternative to Obamacare, but right now, there isn't one; people who didn't have healthcare before Obamacare and don't have it now still need help; haven't provided any solutions for the people who have nothing. 

So here's the deal: buy, equip and staff 20 (or more!) Health Wagons and set up funding to keep them going (perhaps through the current billionaires of the day) and set them loose in the Appalachia and record the results. 

Hey, Bill Frist: your family makes hundreds of millions off sick people! You could change the lives of tons of people! Why don't you invest in your fellow fucking Americans?

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Back To the Present

My French friend is as handsome and young-looking as he's ever been, and doing quite well. He's going to Shanghai in a few weeks to direct a commercial. A commercial he directed a few years ago won an award at Cannes. He hopes to direct a movie this winter from a script he wrote himself and try to get it distributed by a producer he knows. He is still golden. 

I'm glad he's working and doing well. 

Choring Along

I've gotten the dry cleaning taken out and cleaned up the bags from my bedroom floor. I also took a large quantity of hangers along with me to the store, so those are out.

Also while there and going through all the pockets on the shirts and pants, I found one of my "shirt pocket sets," the little accumulations of paper and pens that I put in there on a daily basis. 

So this proves that my housemates didn't steal or throw anything away and that third set is out there somewhere, I've just misplaced it. 

I have a vague memory of taking it out and setting it down, but I don't know where or when that was. Part of me worries it was outside the house, but there wouldn't be any reason for that.

In my head it's like a TV show; I just see a medium close up of my hand and arm with the papers, but I don't know where it is. An annoying mystery.

Earlier this week when I was at the store I bought a bunch of bananas; six, I think it turned out to be. "A banana a day," I told myself. It'll be eating a bit more healthy.

I've eaten two and they're browning fast (you know how bananas are)(which sparks a great skit/joke idea, based off the idea of one person saying critically to another "You know how bananas are," like it's a stereotype, and then you go into all these fictional stereotypes of bananas; could be hilarious; automatic catchphrase and hashtag). I ate one this morning but I'm just not into breakfast, or mushy foods, necessarily. And that's the quality the cucumber in the fridge is taking on.

Of course, that's a different thing. I was thinking about it while walking back from the store and what I decided was that I like to be cold and eat hot foods rather than be hot and eat cold foods. I've never been much of a fan of cold foods. So I never look in the fridge for stuff to eat and my fruits and vegetables rot.