That last part is the part that doesn't make any sense. Everything in me is saying this is the wrong choice, you should go in, and yet something is telling me no, no, stay home and so I'm fighting inside and it feels horrible and I feel guilty for being and for making a choice that is technically available to me (supposedly this is my schedule; I'm off on Thursdays; there's been no discussion about changing it) but it's one of those letter vs spirit of the law things, wherein I know my presence would be useful today and so I should go in order to be part of the team and chip in.
So what's the disconnect? What's wrong with making that choice and going in? I don't know, but for some reason I've built a fear or a dislike or a discomfort or a dis-something around it and wrapped it in this technicality which is totally dickish.
If I could let go; if I could accept that this is a choice I can make and it's okay (because that conversation hasn't been had) I might be able to feel better and enjoy today in some way (although I'm also half-sick about the whole moving process - which isn't happening - and the student loan thing). Maybe I could go see Best Friend and spend some time with her and get some value out of that.
But I'm all messed up inside. I'm too fucking stupid to be good for myself.