I opened this entry to talk about my arms, about how many things are difficult when your arms dont work right. I just went to flip off a light by reaching around a wall; maybe it was because I had to bring my arm up almost parallel, but it didn't feel healthy.
Then there's bed (where I am now). I might have mentioned that half the bed (maybe closer to one third) is covered in papers. Each morning I have to crawl past it.
Crawling past it is not as easy when one arm doesn't feel like it should be moving. This morning I did my best to throw myself into a sitting position and then scrump around from there. It was awkward, but most mornings are.
I learned something today. I learned I was looking for a lot of attention and people didn't have time for me. I learned the cuts on my face aren't as shocking as I think they are. The first two people that saw them didn't say anything, didn't even seem to notice. Everyone else reacted with an appropriate grimace and sucking of air through the teeth, but I wasn't the center of attention I thought I was going to be. Things were too busy. A lot is going on. I should be working harder, to keep up with this firm. But I'm lousy at that. (That's a terrible thing to say, says Logical Brain. You're preventing yourself from learning or achieving by saying that. You're giving up.) Yeah, great, fuck off, says the teenager running my decision process.
This morning I had the rare thought: I need a girlfriend. I wanted someone to cry to, someone to share all my stress with who would say "There, there; everything's going to be all right."
But that should only be said in certain cases, and only so many times. If I painted myself into this corner, do I have any right to cry?
Others might say: this is what you want. This is the narrative you've chosen for yourself. You say you are no good, and then you act it out. You know how to be better, but you choose not to. (This is Best Friend's wife's voice. God, I hate her sometimes; especially when she makes more sense than I'd like.)
There's the course I need to take: How to Stop Fucking Yourself.
Based on today's thoughts, the first lesson might be: How to ask for help when you need it.
That's a conversation I've had with Best Friend. I had it with her at the beginning of the year. Knowing how to ask for what you need.
Uncharitable thoughts toward myself. Uncharitable thoughts toward myself. Stop thinking, stop writing, find a way to avoid.