Where I Reveal Myself To You In Terrible Ways

Most of these blog entries will be a record of self-loathing or depression.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Also on Books

The other day my sister texted me that she had started watching a TV series on a very lame public network channel and asked if there was a cure. I suggested she could go back to the library and get collections of DVDs, if her DVD player worked (technology hates her). 

Then I said I could send her obscure TV shows. 

And then lastly I said: "Alternative therapy: BOOKS. (I know, it's radical.)"

She responded with "BOOKS?!? What am I, Amish??"

And this is why I love my sister.

A Good Book Is Its Own Reward

Having just set down the novel I'm reading after a particularly poignant passage, I am in wholehearted agreement with this sentiment (and I don't even know if it's a real thing). 

Having stayed home (I'm lame), I thought I'd go to bed early tonight. Now, having started reading, I'm worried I'll get caught up in the book, and start thinking "Just one more chapter," and be up all night. A good book is like a good movie or TV show, and right now all I want to do is eat ice cream and binge watch.

The Good Things About Yesterday

1. I took a shower.
2. I got out of the house.
3. I walked for a little bit (5, maybe 10 minutes).
4. During that walk I got a good bit of sun.

I neglected to do work, like I always do, and I regret that now. I took more painkillers during the day. I did get two loads of laundry done, so that could count as #5. 

Today's big thing is to schedule a dentist appointment for this week. Everything else is kind of secondary.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

First World Problems

I have a zit on my back I can't reach. I hate that.

I also have a "zit" near my underarm which I actually think is the beginning of stretch mark. So I'm obviously eating too much.

In real news, I have a headache. I think I'm stressed out about my health. I'm thinking about it way more than I was, and considering serious consequences a lot more.

Another first world problem: my text memory is full! Wah. (This is due to the fact that I have a early to mid-2000s phone.)

I'm going to take a painkiller and focus on things other than my impending death. I was thinking earlier that my own death isn't what I should be worried about; there are plenty of other people whose deaths would fuck up my life in a major way. I should just focus on maintaining and getting to the dentist quickly.

I looked up a "healing meditation" yesterday and listened to it for a while last night. They recommend you do it with headphones on and I think that makes sense. Of course, I have a hard time not falling asleep with meditations (which is what started to happen with this one). 

I was up until 5am or later last night. I went to bed late (2:30?), was messing around on my computer and after that meditation I tried to find some music to sleep to and I thought of the track near the end of The Fifth Element. And then I found a video for "Things You Didn't Know About The Fifth Element" and then I watched about ten videos in that series and then started on other top ten lists. Stupid. I need to sleep more, and better.

Choice Journal

I chose poorly again tonight.

Well, maybe. At the moment I'm actually happy, so maybe I should just say I'm okay, even though I didn't choose a growth option.

A coworker was having a housewarming party tonight and I was invited - as were a number of other colleagues. I was considering going, but I was - as usual - not eager to go by myself. One of the main reasons I would go was because the bosses and a senior colleague were all going to be out of town and no one went to her "leaving my old apartment" party. So I wanted to do it as a kind of gesture, as a politeness thing and as a kind of company representation: "We do like you!"

But that's not strong enough motivation and when the afternoon rolled around and I was thinking of taking a nap and feeling the pressure of when I would have to leave, I used the negative pressure energy to turn myself off and gave myself a false choice: I would take a nap, and if I woke up at a reasonable time, I would go.

That was me giving myself an out. I woke up at 9:15 and that was way too late; the party started at 8 and it takes an hour just to get into the city anyway, so it would be ridiculous to leave at that time. But I still feel kind of bad about not going.

Instead, I stayed home and watched the American movie version of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," which I enjoyed, mostly because David Fincher is an amazing director and his sets and colors always look incredible. It was my French filmmaking friend that used to talk to me about "true black" and how David Fincher was incredibly adept with blacks in film. Now I look for it and pay attention to it in his movies. The darkness is wonderful.

Speaking of which, one of the interesting things about the movie - a kind of throwback - was that the opening credits were their own thing. There was a whole visual sequence that had no real association to the story (except maybe in a referential or abstract way) and the images were fascinating on their own. It was quite lovely.

My other thoughts today have been about fourteen. I am resigned to it; fourteen needs to go. The gum infection is annoying and also worrisome and it's stupid to let it continue. I just need to get rid of it and move on.

I poked the infection twice today to make it bleed and my only regret is that I don't have a syringe to suck out the infection and pump in...I don't know. Hydrogen peroxide? Mouthwash? Rubbing alcohol? Drinking alcohol? (No, that's all sugar, isn't it? Wouldn't that be bad?) Anyway, I had the desire to perform surgery in myself.

Tonight while messing with it I realized that under the infection bubble the gum is eaten away, or at least temporarily "divoted" (my own word). There is a crater in the gum under the bubble, and that's not good.

I checked out the dentist's office right by work and they take my medical credit card, so I could conceivably do it there. I was going to call both them and my usual dentist and see what kind of appointments they might have this week, but I left it until too late. The bosses are out so I thought I could take some time out to get it done. 

I also wonder about insurance, but I don't expect either of them to take mine and it probably will just go to the deductible anyway.

Ah, health. Should have paid attention to it ten years ago, then it wouldn't be so fucked up now. I remember in the late 90s when I hit a nerve while eating a croissant - WOW, that was a shock - I wonder if that was 14. Probably.

I was reading about implants and them lasting ten to fifteen years and how great would that be? (or would it be terrible because I'd be back here in ten years? Hmm.) 

I was going to write another entry, but I'll mention it here: the gland in my neck on that side seems swollen and is sore. I don't know if it's a global infection from the tooth or something else. I'm trying not to project it into something worse (lymphoma, mouth cancer) but I tend to be negative like that. And since things on three or four other fronts are going okay, to have that one go wrong is exactly what I always expected: "I'll get happy, then I'll die." Of course, thinking like that is also a cop out and could lead to worse damage if it causes me to ignore it because I'm being fatalistic and it ends up just being debilitating and fucking up my quality of life but leaving me living. That would be bad. So I should address it.

Ugh, the consequences of negative attitudes and poor self-care. Annoying, probably mostly in that there's no one to blame but me.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Luxuriant Tired

You know that good tired, that happy, satisfied tired, when you know you'll fall asleep fast and sleep deeply? That tired. Went to a stand up show tonight and had an awesome time. Came home and finished a puzzle, listened to the end of a podcast. Only downside is some tooth shards from fourteen really scraping my tongue. Wish I had a Dremel and could (gently) grind them down (which is probably absurd, because there's probably no way to experience a grinding of your tooth "gently."
No. I take that back: the smallest drills (and so probably the smallest grinders) don't cause a lot of vibration.
I gotta call the dentist tomorrow. I gotta figure this out.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Pop (Caution: Gross)

I don't know if I had mentioned that the gum above #14 had swollen with infection in the last couple of days. 

This morning I pressed on it and it popped.

Blood came out. I don't know if the blood was discolored at all, but it didn't seem like it. 

It seemed to gush a little bit. (I kept pressing on it, at first, so that's some of the explanation.) I rinsed my mouth with water (then pressed on it), then put a napkin in my mouth. The blood didn't seem to come from the side of the gum so much as the edge where it now overlaps the remnant of tooth. Part of me wonders if that's why it popped: because the tooth has degraded below the gum line and the "bubble" is no longer stable. 

(Talking about it made me curious and I started messing with it again. Ouch. There's a big raw patch in the middle of the bump - which seemed to be where it burst) and that part is sensitive. (Doesn't change the fact that I want to cut my whole mouth apart. On Sunday I kept pressing a knife blade against the swollen part hoping it would cut it open, but it didn't and I wouldn't press any harder. I also stuck the blade down in to the tooth and pried a little this way and that. I have visions of pulling my own tooth out with pliers, but I never do it.)

The bleeding stopped after a minute or less, and I rinsed with hydrogen peroxide (who knows if that helped, but it seems medicinal). Then I took a shower and forgot about it.

I Don't Like Anything I'm Involved In

That's not the same as saying "I wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member." What I'm saying is: I wouldn't hire me, I wouldn't date me, I wouldn't hang out with me, I wouldn't count on me, I wouldn't ask me for a favor - pretty much if I wasn't me, I wouldn't have anything to do with me.

Now, as I say all this a small part of me is saying "Hey, I'm fun sometimes." And I can't really argue with that: I can be funny in some moments. I have a quick wit. 

But outside of that, I'm not so sure what I'm good for.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


I haven't been doing a ferry good job at sleeping lately.

Being at Best Friend's is always a problem; I stay up too late trying to ingest as much TV as possible. (Actually, I think I was up until 4 or later Sunday morning - watching reruns of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, of all things! [shakes head] Fucking idiot.) 

On Sunday nights I have my line up, and I stayed up until 1:30 watching it and then another 30 minutes, jazzed by my show.

Last night I don't know why exactly I stayed up until midnight. I was doing puzzles and listening to podcasts, but there was no reason to stay up that late. No reason except not to go into the darkness of "death," I suppose. I hadn't considered that viewpoint before. I don't know if it's there subconsciously or not, but the idea is intriguing (especially since half my life has been spent going to sleep). 

Short term things: 
Get new glasses
Get 14 pulled
Get some new clothes
Get rid of old clothes

There's more to be written, but I'm too tired. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

Struggle To Do Right By Myself

One of the things I find intensely frustrating about myself is that often I know that a preventative action will help my attitude in the coming days and yet I don't do anything about it. So for instance, I knew yesterday that if I looked at the emails that had come in on Saturday and yesterday, i would be less stressed about today, and yet I couldn't get myself to open my work computer and do it. 

Who Envies Me?

On Saturday night when I was walking the dog, a group of young people decked out in dress up clothes came out of the building and went to wait for or call a cab.

I envied them, all dressed up and laughing with each other, going somewhere special, somewhere fancy.

And then I turned it back on myself: What if someone once envied you? What if someone saw you out with friends out with work colleagues, out late at a bar playing pool, talking to Best Friend, and envied you, imagined some great life for you

Just because you can see their outsides (especially when they're dressed up!) for five minutes (if that), you don't know if they're like this all the time. Someone close to them might be dying. They might be worried about losing their job. They might have health issues, money issues. They might be irrationally anxious about the world in general. They may hate the fact that they have to go out. They might feel compromised or like no one listens to them.

Be happy for what you have, and if you don't like the circumstances, change them. Don't go looking at other people and thinking they have it so much better than you, because you have no idea what their struggles are.

[raw notes from Sunday night] Saw a group of late-20s, early-30s dressed up and going out on Friday night and I envied them. Then I thought: maybe someone has envied me. Maybe someone has seen me with the dog, seen me at the store, seen me with my friends, seen me at the movies, seen me with my ex-boss, seen me at my job - who knows how many things someone who doesn't know me, and only saw me for a minute, might envy me for.

Worst Case Scenario

I was walking to the Metro Friday night carrying my two bags slung over my body and I thought of the exertion and thought: "What if I had a heart attack?" 

And then I followed through: 
What if I had a heart attack? Best Friend wouldn't be able to reach me. Best Friend's dog would go without food and company (and maybe water) for close to 48 hours. Maybe my phone would die before she could call me (or my phone would be stowed somewhere) and so she couldn't reach me. Maybe no one would find me for a couple of hours. 

I don't know what the point of this is, other than I treat my dying like it's no big thing, but at any moment, any number of people are counting on me and would be fucked up if I were to die. So I should plan on living.

(Post script: There was also the realization that, based on my license being my only ID, the police would contact my younger brother in my home state before anyone else to tell them I was dead, and who knows how long that would take.)

Saturday, March 21, 2015

One of *Those* Days

I didn't feel like I had slept enough when the dog woke me up, so I went back to sleep. I didn't have my phone with me (left it in the living room) so I didn't know the time. Now it's 1pm. I should take a shower, but the "defeated" voice is saying "Half the day is already gone; what's the point?" This is what I mean when I talk about not having an encouraging voice. "I" respond to this assertion by telling myself that I know I feel better when I take a shower and that I'll just feel more depressed if I don't, but the "defeated" persona is...I don't know; persuasive? Or taps into my natural laziness? 

Meanwhile I don't have any plans anyway: nowhere to go, nothing to do. I was going to call NGG but it seems like a Fool's errand; I don't know if she's trying to brush me off or trying to test my resolve; am I a "real" friend? I don't pass those tests. 

Last night I went out with my old boss. He's from Latin America and I remember him distinctly complaining about Americans' lack or spontaneity; it seemed he could never just call someone and say "Hey, let's have dinner;" everything had to be planned out a day in advance. So when I called him last night I knew he was going to suggest we go out. I had wanted to suggest we have lunch today or dinner tonight, but I had a feeling he would say "Let's go out" and I would have to respond. So I told myself this was going to happen and to try to be open to it and when he asked, I agreed (somewhat reluctantly in the moment) and then went and it was great. I think as free form as I think I am, I like to have plans just like everyone else.