Usually I try to be very understanding and patient about children in public. Tonight, for some reason, I want to throttle a particular child. I think it's because of stereotypes. Let me explain why.
There is a man here at McDonald's with three kids: a boy, a girl and another boy. Their ages mighty be seven, six and four. The four year old keeps shrieking when he's unhappy.
The problem is that the father accepts this behavior and even caves to it. What surprises me about that is that the man appears to be a an immigrant - from Morocco, I would say if I had to guess. It surprises me that an immigrant parent - especially one from a less "tolerant" country (stereotype) would be coddling to a child.
After a few horrible screeches that seemed to be about where they would sit in the restaurant, I tried to find a way to give the man credit: maybe the boy's developmentally disabled and can't communicate. But from subsequent observation, it would appear he can talk just fine, he just uses the screech to voice displeasure.
He's doing it again. God i want to smack him. That or put tape over his mouth. Anything to teach him screeching is not an acceptable response/mode of communication (especially since his brother and sister know how to behave).
And this is why I shouldn't be a parent.
(Addendum: Another interesting consideration is how I would view this same situation if it were a sole black woman with the kids, a woman I perceived to be below the poverty line. And I think that factors in because I would expect that woman to smack her child.)
Where I Reveal Myself To You In Terrible Ways
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The Deal With NGG
Here's the problem: I hear an invisible chorus in my head that says: "You two should date." It's the kind of thing a group of friends would say, if we were in a group of friends. It might be the kind of thing that our friends would say if we were in a romantic comedy. My friends might say it to me if I talked about her with them, but generally I don't.
I don't know how she feels about this subject and that's part of what makes me uncomfortable. Early on in our relationship, she would call me all the time, and I just figured that's how she was, she talked a lot. Then she told me no, the reason she called me a lot was because she liked talking to me specifically. Okaaaaay...
I don't like people being interested in me. I find it hard to deal with. It conflicts with my internal dislike of myself. In this case it was different; she's not someone I would consider as a romantic candidate because she's not perfect. She's not slim and beautiful and incredibly intelligent and intellectual, so she's not the one for me. Mind you, this is still all based on how I feel about myself; I can't be with someone I can make fun of physically because they add to the target I already see myself as. I'm too influenced by what I believe are - or will be - external opinions of me and the person I'm with.
So I feel uncomfortable because in many ways she's a good candidate for a relationship: she's around my age (one year older), she's Latina (I like the Latinas), and she enjoys my sense of humor. But I can't get over certain factors (that are unfair to her) to consider it. And feeling that constant dissonance makes me always uncomfortable.
And it hampers the relationship. How many things would I not think twice about doing for someone else who is either unavailable (New Mom, Best Friend) or not on the radar (Nurse Friend, who doesn't see herself as eatable because of her weight)? Because there is this constant possibility of a relationship behind friendship, I can't think of her like "just a friend" and act accordingly. It's stupid and ends up being more ammunition I use against myself in my argument that I'm a shitty person.
Meanwhile, as I've said, I have no idea what thoughts she's had around this. It may be that she thought about it but discarded it because I showed a pronounced lack of interest or didn't take advantage of opportunities to make it more that it is. In a phenomenon that could go either way, she has trusted me with more and more extremely sensitive information about herself. She has cried both on the phone and in person with me. She doesn't like crying in general and crying with people less than that and she apologized for crying with me and being "a drag," but she obviously trusts me emotionally in a big way. That responsibility worries me.
Then there's the fact that I've fantasized about her sexually. I think that has to do with 1) the fact that I prefer to fantasize about people I actually know in real life (most times) and 2) she would be a willing partner (maybe even grateful, to be disgustingly make about it).
So I have a hard time thinking straight about her. I have a hard time investing too much of myself in her for fear of incurring feelings in her or slipping and using her for my own physical pleasure without considering her personhood or the future.
This is all incredibly shallow and dickish and I'm aware. I just can't stop thinking of it this way.
So: task for today: get to a place where I can see going and driving her as an opportunity for me to do something for someone and exercise myself and get out of the house and really help someone who is in a really hard place.
I don't know how she feels about this subject and that's part of what makes me uncomfortable. Early on in our relationship, she would call me all the time, and I just figured that's how she was, she talked a lot. Then she told me no, the reason she called me a lot was because she liked talking to me specifically. Okaaaaay...
I don't like people being interested in me. I find it hard to deal with. It conflicts with my internal dislike of myself. In this case it was different; she's not someone I would consider as a romantic candidate because she's not perfect. She's not slim and beautiful and incredibly intelligent and intellectual, so she's not the one for me. Mind you, this is still all based on how I feel about myself; I can't be with someone I can make fun of physically because they add to the target I already see myself as. I'm too influenced by what I believe are - or will be - external opinions of me and the person I'm with.
So I feel uncomfortable because in many ways she's a good candidate for a relationship: she's around my age (one year older), she's Latina (I like the Latinas), and she enjoys my sense of humor. But I can't get over certain factors (that are unfair to her) to consider it. And feeling that constant dissonance makes me always uncomfortable.
And it hampers the relationship. How many things would I not think twice about doing for someone else who is either unavailable (New Mom, Best Friend) or not on the radar (Nurse Friend, who doesn't see herself as eatable because of her weight)? Because there is this constant possibility of a relationship behind friendship, I can't think of her like "just a friend" and act accordingly. It's stupid and ends up being more ammunition I use against myself in my argument that I'm a shitty person.
Meanwhile, as I've said, I have no idea what thoughts she's had around this. It may be that she thought about it but discarded it because I showed a pronounced lack of interest or didn't take advantage of opportunities to make it more that it is. In a phenomenon that could go either way, she has trusted me with more and more extremely sensitive information about herself. She has cried both on the phone and in person with me. She doesn't like crying in general and crying with people less than that and she apologized for crying with me and being "a drag," but she obviously trusts me emotionally in a big way. That responsibility worries me.
Then there's the fact that I've fantasized about her sexually. I think that has to do with 1) the fact that I prefer to fantasize about people I actually know in real life (most times) and 2) she would be a willing partner (maybe even grateful, to be disgustingly make about it).
So I have a hard time thinking straight about her. I have a hard time investing too much of myself in her for fear of incurring feelings in her or slipping and using her for my own physical pleasure without considering her personhood or the future.
This is all incredibly shallow and dickish and I'm aware. I just can't stop thinking of it this way.
So: task for today: get to a place where I can see going and driving her as an opportunity for me to do something for someone and exercise myself and get out of the house and really help someone who is in a really hard place.
Who I Should Be
If I were who I'm supposed to be, this is what I would have done today: I would have called New Mom and asked to borrow their second car, driven up and picked up NGG and then driven out to see Successful Friend's daughter's soccer game.
Instead I watched TV all day, took a shower at 4-4:30 and then walked here to McDonalds to check my email (and buy food I can't ally afford).
One of the emails is from that friend of a friend who works in the creative field. I sent him an email with a bunch of questions on Friday and he responded and then asked "What's your story?" Oh shit. What do I do with that?
As I've said here many times, my impulse is to portray myself in the worst possible light. I shouldn't do that - first as a matter of principle - but here I was supposed to be making a possible job/career connection. Still, one of the things answered in his email was the fact that they dont have any positions with their company; it's kind of them and no one else. They had a part-time bookkeeper, but he's able to do it some of the time.
So what do I say? Do I tell the story my way, or do I try to be kind to myself in some way (and how do I do that)? How do I balance being kind to myself with not making excuses for my behavior?
For instance: I can say I've just been drifting along like a piece of driftwood, but do I go into the reasons behind that (I never expected to be an adult or considered myself possible of being one)? Do I bring up the theory that's bee advanced to me that I might have ADD, or is that making excuses (especially since I don't have a diagnosis or any experience on medication)? I think of myself as a font of ideas; but isn't saying I'm a font of ideas with an empty record of execution laying out a bad picture of myself? What am I supposed to say?
I don't know how to explain myself.
Over the past year I've thought a lot about my motivations and what I want out of life and since my friend has given me this book, I've thought a lot more about the possibility of managing my emotions and mood and directing myself in positive ways (although this weekend hasn't been good evidence of that). How committed amm I to changing myself? If I got a good paying job tomorrow , would ip continue to work on changing or would I just pay off my debts and go back to sleeping my life away? NGG said the other day that her knee injury was forcing her to stay home on the couch and she recognized that as how she lived for ten years and that she had moved out of that mode and didn't want to go back to it. I'm halfway there, in that I feel similar feelings about sitting at home watching TV, but I am able to leave the house and I don't.
Yesterday is a perfect example. I could have come to McDonald's all day and night, but I didn't. Instead of focusing on my ability, I focused on my inability (wi-fi at home) and obstacles (rain). Today it wasn't until the sun came out that I came out - and I came here mostly to check my email and finish downloading podcasts than focusing on work I should be doing (applying to jobs). Meanwhile I'm spending money on my addiction.
Here's the other "outside my comfort zone" thing I'm trying to convince myself to do: NGG's dad drives her to work every day; but he's rude to her co-workers and she doesn't like relying on him for help. So....I could take a bus out there early in the morning, take her to work in her car, drive it home and go and pick her up at the end of the day. I could do this all week. It could be my "job." It would be a kind thing to do. But since it takes a lot of effort from me (and invests it in this woman I'm not dating), it makes me feel "enh." And the reasons aren't good.
Okay, new entry. Let's talk about NGG.
Instead I watched TV all day, took a shower at 4-4:30 and then walked here to McDonalds to check my email (and buy food I can't ally afford).
One of the emails is from that friend of a friend who works in the creative field. I sent him an email with a bunch of questions on Friday and he responded and then asked "What's your story?" Oh shit. What do I do with that?
As I've said here many times, my impulse is to portray myself in the worst possible light. I shouldn't do that - first as a matter of principle - but here I was supposed to be making a possible job/career connection. Still, one of the things answered in his email was the fact that they dont have any positions with their company; it's kind of them and no one else. They had a part-time bookkeeper, but he's able to do it some of the time.
So what do I say? Do I tell the story my way, or do I try to be kind to myself in some way (and how do I do that)? How do I balance being kind to myself with not making excuses for my behavior?
For instance: I can say I've just been drifting along like a piece of driftwood, but do I go into the reasons behind that (I never expected to be an adult or considered myself possible of being one)? Do I bring up the theory that's bee advanced to me that I might have ADD, or is that making excuses (especially since I don't have a diagnosis or any experience on medication)? I think of myself as a font of ideas; but isn't saying I'm a font of ideas with an empty record of execution laying out a bad picture of myself? What am I supposed to say?
I don't know how to explain myself.
Over the past year I've thought a lot about my motivations and what I want out of life and since my friend has given me this book, I've thought a lot more about the possibility of managing my emotions and mood and directing myself in positive ways (although this weekend hasn't been good evidence of that). How committed amm I to changing myself? If I got a good paying job tomorrow , would ip continue to work on changing or would I just pay off my debts and go back to sleeping my life away? NGG said the other day that her knee injury was forcing her to stay home on the couch and she recognized that as how she lived for ten years and that she had moved out of that mode and didn't want to go back to it. I'm halfway there, in that I feel similar feelings about sitting at home watching TV, but I am able to leave the house and I don't.
Yesterday is a perfect example. I could have come to McDonald's all day and night, but I didn't. Instead of focusing on my ability, I focused on my inability (wi-fi at home) and obstacles (rain). Today it wasn't until the sun came out that I came out - and I came here mostly to check my email and finish downloading podcasts than focusing on work I should be doing (applying to jobs). Meanwhile I'm spending money on my addiction.
Here's the other "outside my comfort zone" thing I'm trying to convince myself to do: NGG's dad drives her to work every day; but he's rude to her co-workers and she doesn't like relying on him for help. So....I could take a bus out there early in the morning, take her to work in her car, drive it home and go and pick her up at the end of the day. I could do this all week. It could be my "job." It would be a kind thing to do. But since it takes a lot of effort from me (and invests it in this woman I'm not dating), it makes me feel "enh." And the reasons aren't good.
Okay, new entry. Let's talk about NGG.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Stardate: My Ass
Okay, I'm just being silly.
I spent the day - or most of it - with NGG, at the library. I spent a lot of time today getting nothing done. Did I tell you people are saying maybe I've got ADD? I did some quizzes this morning, but you know how online diagnostics are; you can't trust that shit.
NGG didn't get a whole lot of work done, either; she needed to be at her office but apparently the President was going to be in the vicinity, so they told everyone to work from home. She needed - or wanted- to specifically clean up physical files in place in the office and she wasn't able to do that. Eventually she gave up and we hung out beside the library for about three hours just talking. She cried a few times (which she was mortified about), which I was kind of glad about. I think she needed the emotional release and she gets no support for it at home from her parents, so I was happy to provide that safe space for her.
She gets very<\b> upset when talking about and thinking about her knee, so that's what she was crying about. She feels very overwhelmed by life right now because the knee problem has stolen her independence and she has to rely on her parents for lodging and transport and she's falling behind in work stuff because she can't move or drive to sites like she used to and it's all piling up on her mind and making her crazy. I wish I could take away some of her problems (and maybe I'm not trying hard enough) but I feel limited in my own abilities. I don't have a vehicle; I can't offer her lodging; I don't have money to send her to the doctor - we are both a bit stuck in our circumstances. I am totally to blame for my own but she is not.
Speaking of being to blame for my circumstances: I did nothing in the way of job searching today. I just tried to apply to one job and at the end it asked for a virtual signature (you draw it on the screen with the mouse) and I couldn't do it on the iPad. There's no way to "hold down the mouse button." Thanks a lot, iPad. (I'm being facetious.)
I spent the day - or most of it - with NGG, at the library. I spent a lot of time today getting nothing done. Did I tell you people are saying maybe I've got ADD? I did some quizzes this morning, but you know how online diagnostics are; you can't trust that shit.
NGG didn't get a whole lot of work done, either; she needed to be at her office but apparently the President was going to be in the vicinity, so they told everyone to work from home. She needed - or wanted- to specifically clean up physical files in place in the office and she wasn't able to do that. Eventually she gave up and we hung out beside the library for about three hours just talking. She cried a few times (which she was mortified about), which I was kind of glad about. I think she needed the emotional release and she gets no support for it at home from her parents, so I was happy to provide that safe space for her.
She gets very<\b> upset when talking about and thinking about her knee, so that's what she was crying about. She feels very overwhelmed by life right now because the knee problem has stolen her independence and she has to rely on her parents for lodging and transport and she's falling behind in work stuff because she can't move or drive to sites like she used to and it's all piling up on her mind and making her crazy. I wish I could take away some of her problems (and maybe I'm not trying hard enough) but I feel limited in my own abilities. I don't have a vehicle; I can't offer her lodging; I don't have money to send her to the doctor - we are both a bit stuck in our circumstances. I am totally to blame for my own but she is not.
Speaking of being to blame for my circumstances: I did nothing in the way of job searching today. I just tried to apply to one job and at the end it asked for a virtual signature (you draw it on the screen with the mouse) and I couldn't do it on the iPad. There's no way to "hold down the mouse button." Thanks a lot, iPad. (I'm being facetious.)
Issues
Now I find there's an error in the last post but I can't correct it because Blogger on the iPad won't scroll past the text I can already see on the screen. Annoying. (Internal critic: Blogger is passé for the iPad generation; if you were using the right software (twitter, tumblr, who knows), you wouldn't be having these problems.) I need to go home and take a shower.
Not Ideal Working Conditions
I had to publish the last entry because the computer wouldn't let me see the ending of the post anymore. I guess the iPad isn't compatible. I know -- oh, wait; it's probably Safari rather than the iPad; I know I have trouble using the Macs up at the local university.
One other thing of note: at the party, Successful Friend's wife wanted me to meet a friend of theirs who is in the TV production business. She said we reminded her of each other and she found his creativity and play with the children fascinating and lovely like she did with me.
I of cours got nervous about meeting someone and having to possibly be a "real" person (or rather, an adult) and after she introduced us, I continued to play with the kids (to be fair, they were clamoring for my attention).
The next day, Sunday, I stayed over at their place (Saturday night I was at my brother's with the dog). On Monday morning when she dropped me at the metro, she asked if I wanted to try to hook us up. I said sure even though I found the idea intimidating and she sent us both an email.
My first problem was getting somewhere I could use wi-fi in order to read my email. So I got to New Mom's place the next afternoon (Monday was a dark cloud day) and opened the email. In it the was a link to the guy's company website, which had a bunch of videos on it, but I couldn't get them to play on the iPad. I felt like such a dick and so inadequate.
The next day I was hanging out with New Mom again and borrowed her tablet to watch the videos and sent him a response email. (This is last week.) That was Wednesday and we talked about maybe meeting Thursday or Friday. Didn't happen and he said maybe late this week. I came here at 8:30am to check my email 1) because I can't sleep or watch TV because I feel guilty and anxious but also 2) so I could see if he emailed me about meeting today. Im sure he's got a smartphone and does his email through that, but I've always been proudly half-Luddite and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass.
This brings up the issue of perspective. Things I feel are huge, glaring issues ad probably insignificant for others, but I can't see that. For instance, last week I ran out of food and only had rice, spaghetti and peas to eat. Because I'm so lazy and hate preparing food, it felt like I had no food. (And it gets tiring eating the same thing over and over)(when it's pasta, anyway.)
Sunday is a perfect example. I didn't have any food and Best Friend was out of town. I had thought about jokingly asking her if I could go by her place and eat her food - only I couldn't, because it was too true, I was actually that desperate and it wasnt a joke.
What I realized late in the day was that the issue was with me</>, that she likely wouldn't have said boo or thought it was any kind of issue. And I could have gone to the local university, spent two or three hours applying to jobs and then gone to her place and gotten something to eat and maybe met them when they got home. No one else would have noticed; the only person it was too big for was me.
And this is the issue with coming from a place of gratitude and happiness, seeing things in a positive light rather than a desperate, deficit light. Now that I've thought about it, I'm aware of how my mood affects how I see the world and interact with it and how it makes sense to strive for a feeling of peace and safety to operate from. So that's what I'm working on doing.
One other thing of note: at the party, Successful Friend's wife wanted me to meet a friend of theirs who is in the TV production business. She said we reminded her of each other and she found his creativity and play with the children fascinating and lovely like she did with me.
I of cours got nervous about meeting someone and having to possibly be a "real" person (or rather, an adult) and after she introduced us, I continued to play with the kids (to be fair, they were clamoring for my attention).
The next day, Sunday, I stayed over at their place (Saturday night I was at my brother's with the dog). On Monday morning when she dropped me at the metro, she asked if I wanted to try to hook us up. I said sure even though I found the idea intimidating and she sent us both an email.
My first problem was getting somewhere I could use wi-fi in order to read my email. So I got to New Mom's place the next afternoon (Monday was a dark cloud day) and opened the email. In it the was a link to the guy's company website, which had a bunch of videos on it, but I couldn't get them to play on the iPad. I felt like such a dick and so inadequate.
The next day I was hanging out with New Mom again and borrowed her tablet to watch the videos and sent him a response email. (This is last week.) That was Wednesday and we talked about maybe meeting Thursday or Friday. Didn't happen and he said maybe late this week. I came here at 8:30am to check my email 1) because I can't sleep or watch TV because I feel guilty and anxious but also 2) so I could see if he emailed me about meeting today. Im sure he's got a smartphone and does his email through that, but I've always been proudly half-Luddite and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass.
This brings up the issue of perspective. Things I feel are huge, glaring issues ad probably insignificant for others, but I can't see that. For instance, last week I ran out of food and only had rice, spaghetti and peas to eat. Because I'm so lazy and hate preparing food, it felt like I had no food. (And it gets tiring eating the same thing over and over)(when it's pasta, anyway.)
Sunday is a perfect example. I didn't have any food and Best Friend was out of town. I had thought about jokingly asking her if I could go by her place and eat her food - only I couldn't, because it was too true, I was actually that desperate and it wasnt a joke.
What I realized late in the day was that the issue was with me</>, that she likely wouldn't have said boo or thought it was any kind of issue. And I could have gone to the local university, spent two or three hours applying to jobs and then gone to her place and gotten something to eat and maybe met them when they got home. No one else would have noticed; the only person it was too big for was me.
And this is the issue with coming from a place of gratitude and happiness, seeing things in a positive light rather than a desperate, deficit light. Now that I've thought about it, I'm aware of how my mood affects how I see the world and interact with it and how it makes sense to strive for a feeling of peace and safety to operate from. So that's what I'm working on doing.
At Least Half The Issue Is Me
I'm in a McDonalds on an iPad; two things I don't like. I don't like typing on this thing and I don't like using public wi-fi to sign into this account (since it's where I'm the most vulnerable in my life).
Things have been okay. I don't know if I told you, but I made a deal w my landlord to pay him all the back rent to bring me back to near current by the beginning of May. That was good; then one of the checks apparently got lost in the mail. I freaked out about that. Then an auto payment popped up and took out $75 from the account before the auto check could go out to the landlord. Luckily that weekend my brother asked to dogsit for him and I was able to make almost enough to cover it. Turns out the bank paid it and just put me in the red. So I'm $3 dollars in the red at the bank, which I think is $53 with the overdraft fee. I haven't done anything about that yet. (I don't know how long I can go without doing anything.)
Then I freaked out about finding work for a week, waking up panicked every day and getting locked in negative cycles and stuck in the house under a dark cloud of negative thoughts. I finally opened the self-help book I got from my friend and used the tools it talked about one day and the panic seems to have stopped coming around. I still get tightness in my chest, but it's a lot less now. (The question becomes: is that a good thing, or do I just give myself a break and get nothing done?) (The answer to that is "kind of, yes.")
This week I helped out Nurse Friend on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, just being with her and helping her to through things and clean out her parents' house. She's the one who gave me the self-help book, so we had conversations about taking care of ourselves and how we deal with our damage and the was good. She also fed me very well, and one night she took me to a movie. All in all it was a pretty great three days, topped off by the fact the she paid me, so I feel a little boost of confidence because I can buy myself food and pay some bills and be kind of normal.
In other news, NGG has injured her knee and she went into a tailspin last week and I didn't know how to help her. She felt abandoned and betrayed because no one responded in the way she would respond and I felt bad, but I'm not used to caring or doing something caring for someone in those situations, so I was kind of lost. She's still a bit negative, but she's gone back to work, so that helps.
On the weekend of the 4th I went to Successful Friend's place for an event for his daughter. There was an all day party and I was playing with the kids all day. It was nice, as I hadn't seen them in probably six months or so. At one point I was making up story after story, just improv-ing them of the top of my head, and that was kind of fun. I felt a little bit in my element, with a crowd that likes me (although the daughter whose weekend it was can be bit demanding and when they want to do "the same old thing" (in my mind) I sometimes get bored with it).
The one bad thing happened early on Saturday afternoon. I was carrying around one of the kids and had dumped him on the ground and then couldn't step over him and tripped. When I feel, there was an internal injury in my rib area, something that happened internally from the shock rather than from an external blow. That pain is still with me because I haven't gotten it checked out or done anything about it.
I've also decided/discovered that the pain in my hip is not the joint but rather my hip flexor. I had been feeling that the pain was closer to the surface that the joint but I hadn't looked at any illustrations of the musculature of the hip or searched about hip pain. I researching NGG's knee pain, I remembered my own issue and so looked it up as well. Hip flexor fit perfectly. Now I just need to figure out how I'm supposed to make it better. I realized today that maybe I should be stretching it every day when I get up.
The rib thing is a different issue, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm probably constantly re-injuring it, but I don't think it's a broken or fractured rib; more likely it's a tendon or cartilage strain or tear. I just don't know how to treat it. (The worst thing was the day of and the day after, when I played for hours and hours with the kids - strenuously - with no regard for it.)
I freaked out a little last night, realizing it's almost ten days from the end of the month and I've got no job prospects - again. Well, that's not entirely true. Apparently the warehouse home improvement store is interested (according to NGG's brother's girlfriend, who's on the inside), but I haven't heard from them.
Every day I try to realize what I have as opposed to what I don't have and operate from a place of joy and abundance,a phrase I still have a had time saying because it sounds so self-helpy and like something Joel Osteen would say.
Things have been okay. I don't know if I told you, but I made a deal w my landlord to pay him all the back rent to bring me back to near current by the beginning of May. That was good; then one of the checks apparently got lost in the mail. I freaked out about that. Then an auto payment popped up and took out $75 from the account before the auto check could go out to the landlord. Luckily that weekend my brother asked to dogsit for him and I was able to make almost enough to cover it. Turns out the bank paid it and just put me in the red. So I'm $3 dollars in the red at the bank, which I think is $53 with the overdraft fee. I haven't done anything about that yet. (I don't know how long I can go without doing anything.)
Then I freaked out about finding work for a week, waking up panicked every day and getting locked in negative cycles and stuck in the house under a dark cloud of negative thoughts. I finally opened the self-help book I got from my friend and used the tools it talked about one day and the panic seems to have stopped coming around. I still get tightness in my chest, but it's a lot less now. (The question becomes: is that a good thing, or do I just give myself a break and get nothing done?) (The answer to that is "kind of, yes.")
This week I helped out Nurse Friend on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, just being with her and helping her to through things and clean out her parents' house. She's the one who gave me the self-help book, so we had conversations about taking care of ourselves and how we deal with our damage and the was good. She also fed me very well, and one night she took me to a movie. All in all it was a pretty great three days, topped off by the fact the she paid me, so I feel a little boost of confidence because I can buy myself food and pay some bills and be kind of normal.
In other news, NGG has injured her knee and she went into a tailspin last week and I didn't know how to help her. She felt abandoned and betrayed because no one responded in the way she would respond and I felt bad, but I'm not used to caring or doing something caring for someone in those situations, so I was kind of lost. She's still a bit negative, but she's gone back to work, so that helps.
On the weekend of the 4th I went to Successful Friend's place for an event for his daughter. There was an all day party and I was playing with the kids all day. It was nice, as I hadn't seen them in probably six months or so. At one point I was making up story after story, just improv-ing them of the top of my head, and that was kind of fun. I felt a little bit in my element, with a crowd that likes me (although the daughter whose weekend it was can be bit demanding and when they want to do "the same old thing" (in my mind) I sometimes get bored with it).
The one bad thing happened early on Saturday afternoon. I was carrying around one of the kids and had dumped him on the ground and then couldn't step over him and tripped. When I feel, there was an internal injury in my rib area, something that happened internally from the shock rather than from an external blow. That pain is still with me because I haven't gotten it checked out or done anything about it.
I've also decided/discovered that the pain in my hip is not the joint but rather my hip flexor. I had been feeling that the pain was closer to the surface that the joint but I hadn't looked at any illustrations of the musculature of the hip or searched about hip pain. I researching NGG's knee pain, I remembered my own issue and so looked it up as well. Hip flexor fit perfectly. Now I just need to figure out how I'm supposed to make it better. I realized today that maybe I should be stretching it every day when I get up.
The rib thing is a different issue, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm probably constantly re-injuring it, but I don't think it's a broken or fractured rib; more likely it's a tendon or cartilage strain or tear. I just don't know how to treat it. (The worst thing was the day of and the day after, when I played for hours and hours with the kids - strenuously - with no regard for it.)
I freaked out a little last night, realizing it's almost ten days from the end of the month and I've got no job prospects - again. Well, that's not entirely true. Apparently the warehouse home improvement store is interested (according to NGG's brother's girlfriend, who's on the inside), but I haven't heard from them.
Every day I try to realize what I have as opposed to what I don't have and operate from a place of joy and abundance,a phrase I still have a had time saying because it sounds so self-helpy and like something Joel Osteen would say.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
To My Readers
I hope this bundle of posts tides you over for a bit; making it to the local U to write on public computers has not been an easy feat (mostly because my main impetus in getting here and being here should be to work on job stuff and thinking about job stuff when I wake up at home makes me depressed and angry with myself). I don't mean to drop out for so long; I make notes to myself almost every day about some thing or another, but I don't have the easy access that I once had and it's frustrating.
Here's the kink, though: Best Friend gave me an iPad. It was given to her free of charge by someone who had gotten it from a job took it when that job ended. So she felt passing it on was only the right thing to do.
One problem: I don't trust it. I see it's physical slightness as somehow related to its online security (ridiculous) and I don't like accessing the web for secure business on it. In addition, it won't connect to my home wifi. I put in the password, it knows the network, the circle goes round and round and round...but no. No connection.
Today I've been on campus most of the day (got here about 1) and the one thing that's bothersome is seeing all the young pretty girls and forgetting that I look like an old creep to them. I can't help but look at certain ones as they pass by, entranced by their breasts or (more usual) their hair. I want to smile at them and tell myself the might see me as viable, but it's stupid and I should try to get myself out of here because it's only going to plummet my self-esteem to think about these things.
Also: I put an ad on dc craigslist for a d e a t h c o m p a n i o n (see how paranoid I am?) if you'd like to look that up and see if you find it interesting. The only responses I've gotten have been from bots, but I feel like - if I have some kind of calling in some way - I need to try to capitalize on my natural instincts.
Here's the kink, though: Best Friend gave me an iPad. It was given to her free of charge by someone who had gotten it from a job took it when that job ended. So she felt passing it on was only the right thing to do.
One problem: I don't trust it. I see it's physical slightness as somehow related to its online security (ridiculous) and I don't like accessing the web for secure business on it. In addition, it won't connect to my home wifi. I put in the password, it knows the network, the circle goes round and round and round...but no. No connection.
Today I've been on campus most of the day (got here about 1) and the one thing that's bothersome is seeing all the young pretty girls and forgetting that I look like an old creep to them. I can't help but look at certain ones as they pass by, entranced by their breasts or (more usual) their hair. I want to smile at them and tell myself the might see me as viable, but it's stupid and I should try to get myself out of here because it's only going to plummet my self-esteem to think about these things.
Also: I put an ad on dc craigslist for a d e a t h c o m p a n i o n (see how paranoid I am?) if you'd like to look that up and see if you find it interesting. The only responses I've gotten have been from bots, but I feel like - if I have some kind of calling in some way - I need to try to capitalize on my natural instincts.
Sympathizing with Terrorists
I was talking to my housemate about the Boston bombing case and I told him that I could understand the feelings of the older Tsarnaev brother (if what I assume to be true is true; he is a bit of an enigma since there's not much evidence of him around).
The conversation started when he told me about the three additional guys who had been arrested in Boston. That prompted me to ask if anyone had ever figured out where Tamerlan got his money from. When I was visiting Nurse Friend the other week, one of her daughter's friends brought up the fact that he owned a nice car. I had that impression as well but I don't know where I got it from; part of me thinks it came from seeing that one picture they always show of Tamerlan dressed in a stylish outfit standing in front of a black car. I think that car is a Mercedes.
The question is a good one, though: where did the money come from? Whether he owned a Mercedes or not, what was his disposable income and where did he get it?
My roommate said that his wife was the only one who worked in the family and that Tamerlan stayed home with the child - at least in the recent past. He also mentioned the family being on government assistance sometime in the past - and at that point I felt like I was starting to hear the...I don't know what to call it, The Judicial Narrative - maybe The Official Narrative - coming out of his mouth. When he talked about government assistance, I felt like there was a tinge of judgment, of disdain in those words, and I felt the beginnings of how a larger, middle-class society easily marginalizes people and creates "enemies of the state" by focusing on elements they consider wrong or bad. (Melissa Harris-Perry did a great show on this concept on April 20th, talking about how the government and media was working so hard to make the brothers "OTHER," even though they came from the home of caucasia.)
In any case, my original point is getting confused. What I was saying to him was that - based on certain statements ("I don't understand Americans") - I thought I might have had an idea of where Tamerlan was coming from when he turned to Islam and then was radicalized.
To me it's the same phenomenon of the Somali teenagers in the midwest: they are the children of immigrants, either taken from a homeland or born and raised here by immigrant parents and deciding to take action against the U.S. I would bet that they have discovered that the U.S. is a hypocritical bitch, talking about freedoms and values but then championing stupidity and vapidity and headed by politicians who say one thing and then do another.
My main case for this phenomenon would be A) the Kardashians and B) The Daily Show. While I love The Daily Show, when I'm in a bad mood I can't watch it because I become so angry about the hypocrisy that they point out which is just glaring once they've revealed it. And then no one calls them on it. When I'm in a bad mood it makes me sick and I'm disgusted with anger.
The Kardashians, of course, are a different matter, and plenty of print space and air time has been taken up trashing them up one side and down the other. Yet they remain and are now some kind of cultural touchstone (if only for trashing).
So I could see a teenager who already feels like an outsider in this country being shown that the flag is a shabby disguise for abuse of power and exhaltation of idiocy might decide that maybe the U.S. is a piece of shit and it would be more meaningful to take up the mantle of a worldwide cause, one that focuses on justice for the poor and downtrodden. (I'm not saying that's what it's really about, but since the large percentage of the Muslim population is poor or in oppressive states, one could view it that way.)
There are plenty of people who make this decision. We don't usually think about them in this country because they are people who become born again or join some kind of alternative religion; people who join the army or a local militia or civic group (whether real or a thinly-disguised hate group). People decide to join causes and get heavily into them because it resonates deep within them, it's a spiritual call to action they feel, becoming part of something greater than themselves.
For conservatives to understand this idea, I would point them to the people who shoot abortion doctors and bomb abortion clinics. Those people are carrying out the ideals conservatives hold, in an extreme fashion. They have decided to become "warriors" for a greater cause, a spiritual cause that extends beyond time and space.
Still, there is a second idea that I am intrigued by: a former CIA analyst named Mudd (ha ha) appeared on Charlie Rose and last night I saw him on Rachel Maddow, talking about the motivations of the Tsarnaev brothers and young men like them. He was adamant that - if research was done - it would all boil down to a personal motive, some thing that had happened to the individual to make him feel disaffected. His argument was that these people are not really fighting for some global cause, some universal thing that is in the name of the downtrodden, but are rather trying to right some wrong that was done to them in their own lives, to get back at some larger They that once burned them.
I am of two minds about this. On the one hand, I can't help but think of an old "Law & Order" episode that had a twist like this; that the devout muslim convert's motives turned out not to be religious in nature but rather the result of a personal slight from a girl that wounded him to the core. And I can see how that could become a core for a larger narrative; I can see it in my own angry feelings: when I want justice (and feel like violence is the way), it's about my own personal hurts, my own personal perceived weakness.
On the other hand, I can't help feeling like this is a bit of slight-of-hand by the government, trying to undercut the storyline that keeps getting blared about these two guys. In an objective way I think it's right and good - trying to prevent future attacks/events by stopping the "negative hero worship" around the brothers (they said time and again after Sandy Hook that the fame gained by perpetrators is alluring to copycats) - while at the same time I feel it's a bit of psychological warfare, weakening the case for global war by saying - in effect - "they're just some weak pussies who got their feelings hurt."
--
One other note: in all the coverage of the bombings, the media has creeped back into accepting that "jihad" is equal to "warfare" - and I've been watching MSNBC mostly, the supposed liberal network. I remember that there was an active move in the early 2000s for people to understand that "jihad" didn't mean "war" like "killing people," but rather that it was a spiritual battle, a kind of quest to conquer something within yourself or fight some injustice in the world. It isn't a synonym for "killing in the name of Islam." I find it very troubling that the media seems to be using it that way.
The conversation started when he told me about the three additional guys who had been arrested in Boston. That prompted me to ask if anyone had ever figured out where Tamerlan got his money from. When I was visiting Nurse Friend the other week, one of her daughter's friends brought up the fact that he owned a nice car. I had that impression as well but I don't know where I got it from; part of me thinks it came from seeing that one picture they always show of Tamerlan dressed in a stylish outfit standing in front of a black car. I think that car is a Mercedes.
The question is a good one, though: where did the money come from? Whether he owned a Mercedes or not, what was his disposable income and where did he get it?
My roommate said that his wife was the only one who worked in the family and that Tamerlan stayed home with the child - at least in the recent past. He also mentioned the family being on government assistance sometime in the past - and at that point I felt like I was starting to hear the...I don't know what to call it, The Judicial Narrative - maybe The Official Narrative - coming out of his mouth. When he talked about government assistance, I felt like there was a tinge of judgment, of disdain in those words, and I felt the beginnings of how a larger, middle-class society easily marginalizes people and creates "enemies of the state" by focusing on elements they consider wrong or bad. (Melissa Harris-Perry did a great show on this concept on April 20th, talking about how the government and media was working so hard to make the brothers "OTHER," even though they came from the home of caucasia.)
In any case, my original point is getting confused. What I was saying to him was that - based on certain statements ("I don't understand Americans") - I thought I might have had an idea of where Tamerlan was coming from when he turned to Islam and then was radicalized.
To me it's the same phenomenon of the Somali teenagers in the midwest: they are the children of immigrants, either taken from a homeland or born and raised here by immigrant parents and deciding to take action against the U.S. I would bet that they have discovered that the U.S. is a hypocritical bitch, talking about freedoms and values but then championing stupidity and vapidity and headed by politicians who say one thing and then do another.
My main case for this phenomenon would be A) the Kardashians and B) The Daily Show. While I love The Daily Show, when I'm in a bad mood I can't watch it because I become so angry about the hypocrisy that they point out which is just glaring once they've revealed it. And then no one calls them on it. When I'm in a bad mood it makes me sick and I'm disgusted with anger.
The Kardashians, of course, are a different matter, and plenty of print space and air time has been taken up trashing them up one side and down the other. Yet they remain and are now some kind of cultural touchstone (if only for trashing).
So I could see a teenager who already feels like an outsider in this country being shown that the flag is a shabby disguise for abuse of power and exhaltation of idiocy might decide that maybe the U.S. is a piece of shit and it would be more meaningful to take up the mantle of a worldwide cause, one that focuses on justice for the poor and downtrodden. (I'm not saying that's what it's really about, but since the large percentage of the Muslim population is poor or in oppressive states, one could view it that way.)
There are plenty of people who make this decision. We don't usually think about them in this country because they are people who become born again or join some kind of alternative religion; people who join the army or a local militia or civic group (whether real or a thinly-disguised hate group). People decide to join causes and get heavily into them because it resonates deep within them, it's a spiritual call to action they feel, becoming part of something greater than themselves.
For conservatives to understand this idea, I would point them to the people who shoot abortion doctors and bomb abortion clinics. Those people are carrying out the ideals conservatives hold, in an extreme fashion. They have decided to become "warriors" for a greater cause, a spiritual cause that extends beyond time and space.
Still, there is a second idea that I am intrigued by: a former CIA analyst named Mudd (ha ha) appeared on Charlie Rose and last night I saw him on Rachel Maddow, talking about the motivations of the Tsarnaev brothers and young men like them. He was adamant that - if research was done - it would all boil down to a personal motive, some thing that had happened to the individual to make him feel disaffected. His argument was that these people are not really fighting for some global cause, some universal thing that is in the name of the downtrodden, but are rather trying to right some wrong that was done to them in their own lives, to get back at some larger They that once burned them.
I am of two minds about this. On the one hand, I can't help but think of an old "Law & Order" episode that had a twist like this; that the devout muslim convert's motives turned out not to be religious in nature but rather the result of a personal slight from a girl that wounded him to the core. And I can see how that could become a core for a larger narrative; I can see it in my own angry feelings: when I want justice (and feel like violence is the way), it's about my own personal hurts, my own personal perceived weakness.
On the other hand, I can't help feeling like this is a bit of slight-of-hand by the government, trying to undercut the storyline that keeps getting blared about these two guys. In an objective way I think it's right and good - trying to prevent future attacks/events by stopping the "negative hero worship" around the brothers (they said time and again after Sandy Hook that the fame gained by perpetrators is alluring to copycats) - while at the same time I feel it's a bit of psychological warfare, weakening the case for global war by saying - in effect - "they're just some weak pussies who got their feelings hurt."
--
One other note: in all the coverage of the bombings, the media has creeped back into accepting that "jihad" is equal to "warfare" - and I've been watching MSNBC mostly, the supposed liberal network. I remember that there was an active move in the early 2000s for people to understand that "jihad" didn't mean "war" like "killing people," but rather that it was a spiritual battle, a kind of quest to conquer something within yourself or fight some injustice in the world. It isn't a synonym for "killing in the name of Islam." I find it very troubling that the media seems to be using it that way.
More Nice Texts (4/29/13)
Note: NGG is Fellow Unemployed. I think now she's more "My Non-Girlfriend Girlfriend." (That is a larger issue that needs to be explored.)
Sis-in-law: "I'm sorry. Guilt is ugly and familiar to me. [frowny]" 3/15
Divorced Friend: "Hope you are feeling better." 3/24
NGG: "I'm glad I'm your friend." 3/28
NGG: "Hey. Thanks for listening to my bullshit." 3/30
NGG: "Thanks for being patient with me." 4/9
VT's wife: "luv ya!" 4/9
New Mom: "You are the best" 4/11
Nurse Friend: "[smiley] How is it you make me laugh so much? You give good banter."
NGG: "Thanks again." [I loaned her money] 4/19
NGG: "Thank you for 'parenting'" 4/28
Responsible Brother: "Thank you. That would be great." [After I agreed to dogsit for him] 4/29
Responsible Brother: "Good work! Keep at it." [After I told him I applied to a couple of box stores] 4/29
I'm having a hard time erasing my texts. I might have said before that I used to take pictures of them before my niece broke one of my cameras. I don't know why I'm so attached to them (maybe, like everything else, they are documentation of my existence and I have to save them for when I meet the person who cares) but I just can't seem to erase them, especially the ones that say nice things to me. (I did erase the one from my other brother - Domineering - telling me to "work harder" on finding a job. That one just made me feel guilty and sick to my stomach.)
Sis-in-law: "I'm sorry. Guilt is ugly and familiar to me. [frowny]" 3/15
Divorced Friend: "Hope you are feeling better." 3/24
NGG: "I'm glad I'm your friend." 3/28
NGG: "Hey. Thanks for listening to my bullshit." 3/30
NGG: "Thanks for being patient with me." 4/9
VT's wife: "luv ya!" 4/9
New Mom: "You are the best" 4/11
Nurse Friend: "[smiley] How is it you make me laugh so much? You give good banter."
NGG: "Thanks again." [I loaned her money] 4/19
NGG: "Thank you for 'parenting'" 4/28
Responsible Brother: "Thank you. That would be great." [After I agreed to dogsit for him] 4/29
Responsible Brother: "Good work! Keep at it." [After I told him I applied to a couple of box stores] 4/29
I'm having a hard time erasing my texts. I might have said before that I used to take pictures of them before my niece broke one of my cameras. I don't know why I'm so attached to them (maybe, like everything else, they are documentation of my existence and I have to save them for when I meet the person who cares) but I just can't seem to erase them, especially the ones that say nice things to me. (I did erase the one from my other brother - Domineering - telling me to "work harder" on finding a job. That one just made me feel guilty and sick to my stomach.)
Back Blog: April 20 - Attitude of Gratitude
Saturday as I was riding out to Nurse Friend's place to help her with her parent's house, I was thinking about all the possibilities that have actually been open to me that I haven't taken advantage of. There are various things that I could have done in the past to get to a more safe or solid position now, only I didn't know how to get my head around the process or find my way out from behind fear. I spend most of my time being ungrateful for what I've got, when what I've got is pretty damn good and other people are struggling very hard and would love to be me.
I was shifting through attitudes - I have been all week, and today as well - all weekend, feeling calm one minute and then terribly anxious the next. When I got the call from my friend's father and he readily agreed to loan me more money, I thought to myself what a boon I actually have that I don't see.
When I'm in that place where I recognize all that has been given to me and all the good will that is directed toward me, I feel safe and loved. It's when I lose that and feel only judgment and failure that I become scared and hateful of life and myself.
Doors That Have Been Opened for Me
1. A friend worked for a company that got the rights to the video accompanying the digging up of a former president. He called me to ask if I wanted to work on writing some kind of treatment for a documentary about said disinterment.
2. Successful Friend's brother lives in NYC and once had a friend who was a PA on various shows and films. I was told he could probably hook me up.
3. Responsible Brother sent me various job listings between 2000 and 2008 that were communications jobs, possibly internet related.
4. Successful Friend's wife described a path to being a teacher through her children's school two years ago. She encouraged me and would have actively helped me with the staff there.
5. When I worked for my brother in PA, the local bilingual school advertised for substitutes. The woman who started that school was the sister of one of my brother's best friends.
6. Best Friend's partner said she could get me a classroom assistant position at the school where she works.
The Universe Has Been Looking Out for Me
1. If I had wanted to, I could have gone back to my old job.
2. My landlord has been really cool about the rent, letting me float for months at a time with nothing.
3. People in my life have told me about ways to get into teaching aside from the traditional method.
4. When I've been totally strapped for cash, New Mom has had ample babysitting hours for me and paid me very well. Nurse Friend has also paid me for what would be "friend" time in any other context.
5. I've been able to borrow money from a wide swath of people in my family and they've been very nice about it.
6. My brothers, Nurse Friend and others have tried to provide me with hook-ups for jobs (people they know).
I've Gotten Everything I've Wanted
1. A bunch of money (from my father's estate) - I could have moved to L.A. or transitioned to another job easily (or with more ease).
2. The ability to travel (with that money)
3. The time to volunteer a lot and explore my passions.
4. A path to becoming a teacher through the side door (Successful Friend's wife; Best Friend's partner)
The choices I've made with each successive opportunity is what I should learn from, what I should take into the future. And remembering those opportunities and what I've been given; that's very important, too.
An addition circa April 22: Another connection lent me money, allowing me to stay in my place for another month, month and a half. (Of course, now I get terribly anxious about how hard I'm working to find a job and get down on myself about how bad I'm doing a job of that. It's hard to stay positive.)
I was shifting through attitudes - I have been all week, and today as well - all weekend, feeling calm one minute and then terribly anxious the next. When I got the call from my friend's father and he readily agreed to loan me more money, I thought to myself what a boon I actually have that I don't see.
When I'm in that place where I recognize all that has been given to me and all the good will that is directed toward me, I feel safe and loved. It's when I lose that and feel only judgment and failure that I become scared and hateful of life and myself.
Doors That Have Been Opened for Me
1. A friend worked for a company that got the rights to the video accompanying the digging up of a former president. He called me to ask if I wanted to work on writing some kind of treatment for a documentary about said disinterment.
2. Successful Friend's brother lives in NYC and once had a friend who was a PA on various shows and films. I was told he could probably hook me up.
3. Responsible Brother sent me various job listings between 2000 and 2008 that were communications jobs, possibly internet related.
4. Successful Friend's wife described a path to being a teacher through her children's school two years ago. She encouraged me and would have actively helped me with the staff there.
5. When I worked for my brother in PA, the local bilingual school advertised for substitutes. The woman who started that school was the sister of one of my brother's best friends.
6. Best Friend's partner said she could get me a classroom assistant position at the school where she works.
The Universe Has Been Looking Out for Me
1. If I had wanted to, I could have gone back to my old job.
2. My landlord has been really cool about the rent, letting me float for months at a time with nothing.
3. People in my life have told me about ways to get into teaching aside from the traditional method.
4. When I've been totally strapped for cash, New Mom has had ample babysitting hours for me and paid me very well. Nurse Friend has also paid me for what would be "friend" time in any other context.
5. I've been able to borrow money from a wide swath of people in my family and they've been very nice about it.
6. My brothers, Nurse Friend and others have tried to provide me with hook-ups for jobs (people they know).
I've Gotten Everything I've Wanted
1. A bunch of money (from my father's estate) - I could have moved to L.A. or transitioned to another job easily (or with more ease).
2. The ability to travel (with that money)
3. The time to volunteer a lot and explore my passions.
4. A path to becoming a teacher through the side door (Successful Friend's wife; Best Friend's partner)
The choices I've made with each successive opportunity is what I should learn from, what I should take into the future. And remembering those opportunities and what I've been given; that's very important, too.
An addition circa April 22: Another connection lent me money, allowing me to stay in my place for another month, month and a half. (Of course, now I get terribly anxious about how hard I'm working to find a job and get down on myself about how bad I'm doing a job of that. It's hard to stay positive.)
New Titles
I was looking into blog titles today - "Dear George" (a blog where I
would write letters to George W. Bush or George Soros or perhapsboth, suggesting action either financial or influential) and "Flashes of
Brilliance," for all the little notes I make to myself every day that
I'm no longer able to just post when I have them at the time. Both are
taken, it would appear.
Media Report for May 1st, 2013
PBS Newshour
Drake's Bay Company
1. Couldn't the government just "buy" it, in effect, and then shut it down? They still wouldn't be happy because it would be a forced buy, but still, they would get their money out and be able to set up shop somewhere else (theoretically).
2. Why can't the proponents (or opponents) get together and buy it? You know, buy them off? A buy out. (For the opponents, they could set up a shell company to make the offer if they expected difficulty.)
3. The company is using small boats with outboard motors - aren't those dirty and oily? Is anybody developing an electric outboard motor? (See it as "environmental harm reduction.")
Research: Who is Cause of Action and where did they come from? (Of note: when the B-roll showed the president or director coming into his office, there was nothing on the walls and almost nothing in the office. Are they just opened?) Where is the money coming from? What issues are they fighting?
iPhone ad about photos taken with it: keep the music and make all the visuals dick pics
Colbert Report: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Colbert asked them about hip hop's attitude towards homosexuality and they couldn't answer (their answer was evasive and shitty). They can do their songs about homosexuality because they come from middle class white society, where there are more choices and people are not oppressed and constantly defending their personhood. (I can feel the critique of this already but I'm sticking with it.) The values in those communities seem to be masculinity and sexual potency, both of which are seen as damaged by the idea or tinge of homosexuality. I feel there are clear race and class issues involved which they just glossed over (and to be fair, that wasn't the place for it) that are worth having a long discussion about (and many people probably have, on panels, possibly even on CSPAN).
Nightline: "Stop and Frisk"
1. Those neighborhoods need lots of camera - to watch the cops
1a. What about the idea of assigning a camera person to every block for a week to monitor stop and frisks? Pick a three or four block stretch every week and provide coverage over the period of a month. *
2. Stop and frisk argument is akin to background check argument - it's the law-abiding citizens who pay for it. What's Ted Cruz stance on stop and frisk? If he sees it as overbearing governance, what's he doing to stop it? He should be confronted immediately to find out if he supports it (and why, if so) and if not, what he's doing to protect Americans rights in NYC.
New Smirnoff ad: What the fuck? (Smirnoff sorbet)
I guess I shouldn't be surprised - it's just the alcohol industry trying to sell "lifestyle" instead of product because a clear liquor in a bottle isn't that different from any other clear liquor in a bottle. It jut drives me up a wall that these same tropes are continually used: "Oh! When you buy our liquor, the world will erupt in springtime! With music! and you'll feel like dancing! And handsome men will approach you!" As opposed to the reality, which is: you're buying a flavored liquor to get fucked up and not have to deal with the harsh taste. [Disclaimer: As I don't drink, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.]
I was also reminded of my idea for "Fat People News" as I measured the attractiveness of various correspondents on ABC World News and wondered how people would react (probably freak out in disgust) if a whole news cast was populated with individuals who wore large or extra-large clothing. I'd really like to test that out and see how people react. In fact, that would be a hilarious/scathing version of "What Would You Do?" to pull on the entire country. (Aka broadcast an episode of ABC World News with all overweight presenters/actors [they just need to read copy] and see how the country reacts.)
*1 person per block x 4 blocks @ $100/day = $2,000 a week = $8,000 a month. Alternatively, 2 people per block (both sides) - $16,000 for a month. Not a high price to pay to point out injustice, I don't think. That would be a reasonable grant to right, in my mind.
Drake's Bay Company
1. Couldn't the government just "buy" it, in effect, and then shut it down? They still wouldn't be happy because it would be a forced buy, but still, they would get their money out and be able to set up shop somewhere else (theoretically).
2. Why can't the proponents (or opponents) get together and buy it? You know, buy them off? A buy out. (For the opponents, they could set up a shell company to make the offer if they expected difficulty.)
3. The company is using small boats with outboard motors - aren't those dirty and oily? Is anybody developing an electric outboard motor? (See it as "environmental harm reduction.")
Research: Who is Cause of Action and where did they come from? (Of note: when the B-roll showed the president or director coming into his office, there was nothing on the walls and almost nothing in the office. Are they just opened?) Where is the money coming from? What issues are they fighting?
iPhone ad about photos taken with it: keep the music and make all the visuals dick pics
Colbert Report: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Colbert asked them about hip hop's attitude towards homosexuality and they couldn't answer (their answer was evasive and shitty). They can do their songs about homosexuality because they come from middle class white society, where there are more choices and people are not oppressed and constantly defending their personhood. (I can feel the critique of this already but I'm sticking with it.) The values in those communities seem to be masculinity and sexual potency, both of which are seen as damaged by the idea or tinge of homosexuality. I feel there are clear race and class issues involved which they just glossed over (and to be fair, that wasn't the place for it) that are worth having a long discussion about (and many people probably have, on panels, possibly even on CSPAN).
Nightline: "Stop and Frisk"
1. Those neighborhoods need lots of camera - to watch the cops
1a. What about the idea of assigning a camera person to every block for a week to monitor stop and frisks? Pick a three or four block stretch every week and provide coverage over the period of a month. *
2. Stop and frisk argument is akin to background check argument - it's the law-abiding citizens who pay for it. What's Ted Cruz stance on stop and frisk? If he sees it as overbearing governance, what's he doing to stop it? He should be confronted immediately to find out if he supports it (and why, if so) and if not, what he's doing to protect Americans rights in NYC.
New Smirnoff ad: What the fuck? (Smirnoff sorbet)
I guess I shouldn't be surprised - it's just the alcohol industry trying to sell "lifestyle" instead of product because a clear liquor in a bottle isn't that different from any other clear liquor in a bottle. It jut drives me up a wall that these same tropes are continually used: "Oh! When you buy our liquor, the world will erupt in springtime! With music! and you'll feel like dancing! And handsome men will approach you!" As opposed to the reality, which is: you're buying a flavored liquor to get fucked up and not have to deal with the harsh taste. [Disclaimer: As I don't drink, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.]
I was also reminded of my idea for "Fat People News" as I measured the attractiveness of various correspondents on ABC World News and wondered how people would react (probably freak out in disgust) if a whole news cast was populated with individuals who wore large or extra-large clothing. I'd really like to test that out and see how people react. In fact, that would be a hilarious/scathing version of "What Would You Do?" to pull on the entire country. (Aka broadcast an episode of ABC World News with all overweight presenters/actors [they just need to read copy] and see how the country reacts.)
*1 person per block x 4 blocks @ $100/day = $2,000 a week = $8,000 a month. Alternatively, 2 people per block (both sides) - $16,000 for a month. Not a high price to pay to point out injustice, I don't think. That would be a reasonable grant to right, in my mind.
Because I Care About Blood Drives
Is it possible this ad will make people wary of blood drives?
You never know what will freak people out.
Did GEICO think about that before making it?
You never know what will freak people out.
Did GEICO think about that before making it?
Back Blog: April 27, 3:33pm
I believe I am simultaneously a genius and a total asshole loser. As I
was walking here today (the library), I imagined seeing my friend's
father-in-law a party I'll be going to next week. I imagine having to
talk about being unemployed and I imagined how I would explain that.
What I came up with was: "I obviously don't deserve a job."
When he would protest, I would explain: "Have I ever told you about a project I completed? Have I ever followed through on any grand ideas, that you know of? Did I make or do anything during the time I was able to take off with my dad's money?"
The point is, there is potential and then there are results. While I may have plenty of theoretical value, the plain fact is that there are no demonstrable results of my so-called brilliance.
This goes back to what I wrote to my aunt last time: if you can't harness what you are naturally given, then you don't deserve anything. It's not even necessarily about a monetary value; it's more about what you are able to do with what you are provided with. If you want someone to make an investment in you, you should be able to prove that you are worth that investment.
[The wifi here is being hinky; it's fucking annoying.]
[Now Firefox has crashed twice; wtf?]
I say all this because I'm thinking about all my brilliant ideas as I walk up here today. I brought along my notebook that I scribble in while watching TV, constantly coming up with ideas for different programs, questions, essays, books, movies, and ways to save the world. I think a lot of my ideas are brilliant and just need someone to fund them and to lead them - only I refuse to consider myself as that person. On the way up here, I was trying say to myself "Be open to being that person." It wasn't working very well. I was chanting while I was doing it and while Best Friend has encouraged me to chant, I realized today that chanting doesn't stop my mind from whisking all over the place, meaning that thoughts are positive or negative as I chase them around my head. Chanting doesn't help me focus on the positive; it just gives me room to think. Of course, that probably just means I'm doing it wrong.
--
I came up here to try to do something productive; to get out of the house and away from the television. I took a shower; that was the first step. Now I'm here and what I should be doing is applying to jobs but what I am doing is writing here and thinking about all my grand plans (that never come to fruition).
Here's an example: there's a vacant property at the end of my street. It has been marketed as an office space. (I wonder if it's now been rented; I didn't pay attention if the sign was still there when I walked by recently.) I'd like to get a grant to rent out that space and make it a neighborhood tutoring center, available to all the kids in the neighborhood. Install 20 computers and recruit a bunch of college kids or local professionals to come in and work with kids and help them with their homework, do a little mentoring, teach them research skills, teach them office skills, teach them how to apply to jobs. Make it a center that changes people's lives.
There's an organization I volunteered for that I could possibly partner with; they don't have any locations in my area of the city (that I know of).
Here's the catch: I don't want to be in charge. I want to set it all up; put it all together, and then maybe be a random staff member or do office work for the place. I don't want to be responsible for how it all turns out or how it works. I just want to put together the financing; convince someone it's a great idea and maybe give myself a job in the offing. I believe in the idea, I just don't think I have the personality or strength of character to hold it all together.
And that's the problem: if I'm not willing to be in charge of my programs (and I don't really trust them to anyone else), they'll never get done. So I have lots of great ideas but no results. Nothing on paper. No recommendations. No history. Just talk. Lots of hot air. It's worth nothing to the world. Literally nothing.
When he would protest, I would explain: "Have I ever told you about a project I completed? Have I ever followed through on any grand ideas, that you know of? Did I make or do anything during the time I was able to take off with my dad's money?"
The point is, there is potential and then there are results. While I may have plenty of theoretical value, the plain fact is that there are no demonstrable results of my so-called brilliance.
This goes back to what I wrote to my aunt last time: if you can't harness what you are naturally given, then you don't deserve anything. It's not even necessarily about a monetary value; it's more about what you are able to do with what you are provided with. If you want someone to make an investment in you, you should be able to prove that you are worth that investment.
[The wifi here is being hinky; it's fucking annoying.]
[Now Firefox has crashed twice; wtf?]
I say all this because I'm thinking about all my brilliant ideas as I walk up here today. I brought along my notebook that I scribble in while watching TV, constantly coming up with ideas for different programs, questions, essays, books, movies, and ways to save the world. I think a lot of my ideas are brilliant and just need someone to fund them and to lead them - only I refuse to consider myself as that person. On the way up here, I was trying say to myself "Be open to being that person." It wasn't working very well. I was chanting while I was doing it and while Best Friend has encouraged me to chant, I realized today that chanting doesn't stop my mind from whisking all over the place, meaning that thoughts are positive or negative as I chase them around my head. Chanting doesn't help me focus on the positive; it just gives me room to think. Of course, that probably just means I'm doing it wrong.
--
I came up here to try to do something productive; to get out of the house and away from the television. I took a shower; that was the first step. Now I'm here and what I should be doing is applying to jobs but what I am doing is writing here and thinking about all my grand plans (that never come to fruition).
Here's an example: there's a vacant property at the end of my street. It has been marketed as an office space. (I wonder if it's now been rented; I didn't pay attention if the sign was still there when I walked by recently.) I'd like to get a grant to rent out that space and make it a neighborhood tutoring center, available to all the kids in the neighborhood. Install 20 computers and recruit a bunch of college kids or local professionals to come in and work with kids and help them with their homework, do a little mentoring, teach them research skills, teach them office skills, teach them how to apply to jobs. Make it a center that changes people's lives.
There's an organization I volunteered for that I could possibly partner with; they don't have any locations in my area of the city (that I know of).
Here's the catch: I don't want to be in charge. I want to set it all up; put it all together, and then maybe be a random staff member or do office work for the place. I don't want to be responsible for how it all turns out or how it works. I just want to put together the financing; convince someone it's a great idea and maybe give myself a job in the offing. I believe in the idea, I just don't think I have the personality or strength of character to hold it all together.
And that's the problem: if I'm not willing to be in charge of my programs (and I don't really trust them to anyone else), they'll never get done. So I have lots of great ideas but no results. Nothing on paper. No recommendations. No history. Just talk. Lots of hot air. It's worth nothing to the world. Literally nothing.
Monday, April 22, 2013
A Note for My Aunt
Dear Aunt [Redacted],
I wanted to write to you because I feel like I left you out of the note I sent to Uncle [Redacted] and when I noticed it, that seemed callous and wrong.
I don't necessarily understand people like you, and when I say "people like you" I mean people who are confident about themselves and their view of the world. They have a sense of themselves that doesn't lead to a lot of questioning and they carry on straightforwardly, expecting everyone to recognize the same rules and guidelines of life that they do.
I have no faith in myself and question everything that I am. I feel like I am closer to understanding [dead cousin] than you because I feel like a failure in myself and only someone who had no hope for themselves would choose suicide as a way to end their life.
For me, it comes down to Who I Am and What I Can Do. Those things, for me, are separate things. The "What I Can Do" category is filled with natural gifts: my sense of humor, my ease with children, my skill in writing - these are things I was imprinted with or born with; I didn't develop them or create them, they just happened to me. The "Who I Am" category is filled with negatives: cowardice, fear, lack of initiative, laziness, lack of gratitude. The reason I am not a great person or living a great life is because the "Who I Am" has not taken advantage of the "What I Can Do" and instead has chosen to languish and float in a miasma of half-depression.
The way in which I approach [dead cousin] is when I think along these lines: If I can't responsibly utilize the gifts that I have been given, then maybe those gifts should be taken away from me. And if no one will actually take them from me, then maybe it is my responsibility to do it myself. The only way to do that would be to take away my life.
The problem comes in that disconnect between "Who I Am" and "What I Can Do." Part of it is a refusal to acknowledge the two are one, that I am whole. Part of it is an unwillingness to take the risks necessary to test and strengthen various abilities. Because of this, I see the same potential that everyone else sees and yet feel I am not up to the task of fulfilling that potential and so am a failure at being me. When you are a failure at even being yourself, how much lower can you sink? What makes sense other than canceling your self, erasing this error from the record?
I don't know how [your grandson] felt; perhaps he had other reasons for doing what he did. But I would guess that he looked around and saw the rest of the family, saw himself not measuring up, and felt that the reason he was not measuring up was intrinsic to him, that the failure was more innate than any possibility of success. I know that feeling. I have felt that way.
I am very sorry that you have lost [your grandson], but I also have a feeling you will carry on and do so with strength. That is just who you are, you just know it. I am glad for that; it would only hurt the family more to lose more members. I just wanted you to have an idea of what might have gone through [your grandson]'s mind to maybe help you understand why he made the awful choice that he did.
With Love,
Michael
[I have decided to send her a different note; something much more standard. While this is my nature, I can hear my sister's voice in my head saying "Don't do it." I think this time it would be better to heed that voice.]
I wanted to write to you because I feel like I left you out of the note I sent to Uncle [Redacted] and when I noticed it, that seemed callous and wrong.
I don't necessarily understand people like you, and when I say "people like you" I mean people who are confident about themselves and their view of the world. They have a sense of themselves that doesn't lead to a lot of questioning and they carry on straightforwardly, expecting everyone to recognize the same rules and guidelines of life that they do.
I have no faith in myself and question everything that I am. I feel like I am closer to understanding [dead cousin] than you because I feel like a failure in myself and only someone who had no hope for themselves would choose suicide as a way to end their life.
For me, it comes down to Who I Am and What I Can Do. Those things, for me, are separate things. The "What I Can Do" category is filled with natural gifts: my sense of humor, my ease with children, my skill in writing - these are things I was imprinted with or born with; I didn't develop them or create them, they just happened to me. The "Who I Am" category is filled with negatives: cowardice, fear, lack of initiative, laziness, lack of gratitude. The reason I am not a great person or living a great life is because the "Who I Am" has not taken advantage of the "What I Can Do" and instead has chosen to languish and float in a miasma of half-depression.
The way in which I approach [dead cousin] is when I think along these lines: If I can't responsibly utilize the gifts that I have been given, then maybe those gifts should be taken away from me. And if no one will actually take them from me, then maybe it is my responsibility to do it myself. The only way to do that would be to take away my life.
The problem comes in that disconnect between "Who I Am" and "What I Can Do." Part of it is a refusal to acknowledge the two are one, that I am whole. Part of it is an unwillingness to take the risks necessary to test and strengthen various abilities. Because of this, I see the same potential that everyone else sees and yet feel I am not up to the task of fulfilling that potential and so am a failure at being me. When you are a failure at even being yourself, how much lower can you sink? What makes sense other than canceling your self, erasing this error from the record?
I don't know how [your grandson] felt; perhaps he had other reasons for doing what he did. But I would guess that he looked around and saw the rest of the family, saw himself not measuring up, and felt that the reason he was not measuring up was intrinsic to him, that the failure was more innate than any possibility of success. I know that feeling. I have felt that way.
I am very sorry that you have lost [your grandson], but I also have a feeling you will carry on and do so with strength. That is just who you are, you just know it. I am glad for that; it would only hurt the family more to lose more members. I just wanted you to have an idea of what might have gone through [your grandson]'s mind to maybe help you understand why he made the awful choice that he did.
With Love,
Michael
[I have decided to send her a different note; something much more standard. While this is my nature, I can hear my sister's voice in my head saying "Don't do it." I think this time it would be better to heed that voice.]
Back Blog: April 17; Not Well
3:35pm
Been at New Mom's since 2:30 or so, writing an email that won't matter in the long run because it's just about things I'm not doing with my life. I haven't come up with a solution for my problem and I'm still anxious as hell about everything. At times I get the "small, still voice" that says "It'll be okay" and I actually relax and feel okay, but I don't really trust that voice because it feels like it's in denial. I worry that I'll just get money and then go back to my previous lifestyle of not really trying and it will all get fucked up again. It's like not caring for a wound. It's just going to get infected.
In the meantime, things with Fellow Unemployed have grown tangled. Not anything serious, just the problem with our communication cropped up again this weekend and now I can't talk to her without feeling like I'm doing something wrong or have done something wrong or will do something wrong. So right now my policy is just not to talk to her. I will go into it more when I'm not in a place where I don't feel safe. I feel semi-exposed here and I don't like it.
In fact, I just need to stop typing. I don't know what I'll do instead (because without something to do, the anxiety comes in) but I don't feel right writing all this.
Been at New Mom's since 2:30 or so, writing an email that won't matter in the long run because it's just about things I'm not doing with my life. I haven't come up with a solution for my problem and I'm still anxious as hell about everything. At times I get the "small, still voice" that says "It'll be okay" and I actually relax and feel okay, but I don't really trust that voice because it feels like it's in denial. I worry that I'll just get money and then go back to my previous lifestyle of not really trying and it will all get fucked up again. It's like not caring for a wound. It's just going to get infected.
In the meantime, things with Fellow Unemployed have grown tangled. Not anything serious, just the problem with our communication cropped up again this weekend and now I can't talk to her without feeling like I'm doing something wrong or have done something wrong or will do something wrong. So right now my policy is just not to talk to her. I will go into it more when I'm not in a place where I don't feel safe. I feel semi-exposed here and I don't like it.
In fact, I just need to stop typing. I don't know what I'll do instead (because without something to do, the anxiety comes in) but I don't feel right writing all this.
Back Blog: April 12, Babies and Uncertainty
12:12pm
I'm at the house to babysit. The baby is asleep. I found that I wasn't very interested in interacting this morning, which was ok for a little while but then I felt guilty just letting her play alone and tried to interact more. We had some fun.
My aunt was supposed to call me yesterday and she never did. She had an operation Wednesday (cataracts) so I'm not going to be so strict about it. I didn't make it out to her that it was any kind of emergency and I talked to my landlord and we agreed I'll get him the money by the end of the month, so I have some room, in some sense. Even if she can't give me the full amount, I could get one month from her, another from another, and another from a third. Possibly. I think I can. So I'm not freaking out about it as hard as i might have. If I talk to her Saturday - tomorrow - and she says yes, then the problem is solved. (Well, "solved.") I'll get the money by the end of next week and get it out by the end of the month.
The larger problem, of course, is not solved. I don't have a job and don't know where it will come from. I think I have some leads but I've thought that before and sometimes it feels like when I get comfortable, that's a bad thing.
The other day when I was walking the dog, one of the thoughts I had was "I resent having to make money." I have this feeling of resentment about having to make myself about money. I understand how the world works and that I can't expect to have things without paying (although some people would disagree with even that), but it annoys me that I can't just "do good" and somehow be rewarded. In a way, that's what's happening right now: I'm walking Best Friend's dog and babysitting for New Mom and that's creating income that I can use to pay some bills and eat. (For instance yesterday I made and unexpected $60 and felt like I had won the lottery. I went to the grocery store and spent $45, which was probably $20 more than I should have.) But the larger "return" hasn't come through. Recently I've been in touch (briefly) with the thought that my good actions will return to me in good things (someone will know someone who can give me a job) but I have such large amounts of doubt that it's hard to maintain. Also: what is my role in doing that? My friend who is Buddhist talks about chanting with intention for something but she would also say that you don't just chant and then sit back and expect something to come. So the question is: what other work should I be doing in order to stir up the good things that could be out there for me?
1. Get my background check situation sorted out. (I was at a security agency the other day but the woman warned me that if I didn't use the school system's particular security code, they might not accept my check. That depressed me and left me feeling defeated.)
2. Work on my contacts: I was thinking of calling and visiting one of my old co-workers with the idea that he might know someone who could give me a job or a lead. I was going to try to just call and meet him as a casual thing but I couldn't follow through; I freaked over the weakness of my situation. (At that time I didn't have $20 to offer to pay for lunch.)
3. Try other networks: My aunt married a man who already had children. One of them works on Capitol Hill and he might also have leads or contacts. I shrink from using personal connections because I don't feel good enough to be vouched for and I worry about failing and my failure reflecting back onto whoever gave my name as the lead.)
It's funny that I feel more comfortable asking people for money (although I don't feel so good about that) than asking people for a job hook-up.
The important thing - as it always is - is not to worry, to try to calm yourself and face the future with a level head. A modern Buddhist philosopher said "suffer what there is to suffer and take joy where there is joy" (or something like that), which is good advice but not always easy to do. The anxiety I've been feeling has been overwhelming and it's inhibited my ability to enjoy life and deal with other people (and the dog).
The other line I've thought about a lot recently is the serenity prayer - "serenity to accept what I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can" - as well as the saying that goes "I cannot direct the wind but I can adjust my sails." It's all about realizing what things you can and cannot control and acting on those things you can deal with.
One way this goes wrong - for me - is the issue of clutter and keeping. The problem becomes overwhelming in seconds and my mind freaks out and tries to flee; how am I supposed to deal with all this stuff and shut off my conflicting emotions? I know that I should get rid of all these things but I'm fixated on saving - as a time capsule or as a future resource - all kinds of information or things. I don't know how to let go of anything. (Fellow Unemployed asked about whether I had every talked to my therapist about it, which I never did - at least not much, or that I recall.)
[interruption - Aunt called]
The answer is "no." Aunt cannot supply the loan I need. Responsible Brother has said no more until I get something going on my own. Domineering Brother is also on me about looking "harder." I feel sick about the whole situation. I have other back-ups to reach out to but who knows how they will respond? I can't count on them anymore than I could my aunt. I am seized once again by anxiety and fear and the feeling I can do nothing to change/fix/remedy my situation. I let it get this bad, it's my fault it's where it is.
Baby is awake, just made her first cry; she's been entertaining herself mostly in her room. I should get her up so that I can feed her and then get over the walk the dog before 2:30 or 3 (I usually go around 1:30 to 2; so today will be late). I don't like stress but I knew this stress was coming (except for the idea of feeding her lunch and the time that would take) and I decided to accept it. New Mom's husband even called to ask if I wanted him to watch the baby while I walked the dog and I waved him off. New Mom suggested I could leave her next door while I went and I said "no problem." Now it's time to put my money where my mouth is and man up.
I'm at the house to babysit. The baby is asleep. I found that I wasn't very interested in interacting this morning, which was ok for a little while but then I felt guilty just letting her play alone and tried to interact more. We had some fun.
My aunt was supposed to call me yesterday and she never did. She had an operation Wednesday (cataracts) so I'm not going to be so strict about it. I didn't make it out to her that it was any kind of emergency and I talked to my landlord and we agreed I'll get him the money by the end of the month, so I have some room, in some sense. Even if she can't give me the full amount, I could get one month from her, another from another, and another from a third. Possibly. I think I can. So I'm not freaking out about it as hard as i might have. If I talk to her Saturday - tomorrow - and she says yes, then the problem is solved. (Well, "solved.") I'll get the money by the end of next week and get it out by the end of the month.
The larger problem, of course, is not solved. I don't have a job and don't know where it will come from. I think I have some leads but I've thought that before and sometimes it feels like when I get comfortable, that's a bad thing.
The other day when I was walking the dog, one of the thoughts I had was "I resent having to make money." I have this feeling of resentment about having to make myself about money. I understand how the world works and that I can't expect to have things without paying (although some people would disagree with even that), but it annoys me that I can't just "do good" and somehow be rewarded. In a way, that's what's happening right now: I'm walking Best Friend's dog and babysitting for New Mom and that's creating income that I can use to pay some bills and eat. (For instance yesterday I made and unexpected $60 and felt like I had won the lottery. I went to the grocery store and spent $45, which was probably $20 more than I should have.) But the larger "return" hasn't come through. Recently I've been in touch (briefly) with the thought that my good actions will return to me in good things (someone will know someone who can give me a job) but I have such large amounts of doubt that it's hard to maintain. Also: what is my role in doing that? My friend who is Buddhist talks about chanting with intention for something but she would also say that you don't just chant and then sit back and expect something to come. So the question is: what other work should I be doing in order to stir up the good things that could be out there for me?
1. Get my background check situation sorted out. (I was at a security agency the other day but the woman warned me that if I didn't use the school system's particular security code, they might not accept my check. That depressed me and left me feeling defeated.)
2. Work on my contacts: I was thinking of calling and visiting one of my old co-workers with the idea that he might know someone who could give me a job or a lead. I was going to try to just call and meet him as a casual thing but I couldn't follow through; I freaked over the weakness of my situation. (At that time I didn't have $20 to offer to pay for lunch.)
3. Try other networks: My aunt married a man who already had children. One of them works on Capitol Hill and he might also have leads or contacts. I shrink from using personal connections because I don't feel good enough to be vouched for and I worry about failing and my failure reflecting back onto whoever gave my name as the lead.)
It's funny that I feel more comfortable asking people for money (although I don't feel so good about that) than asking people for a job hook-up.
The important thing - as it always is - is not to worry, to try to calm yourself and face the future with a level head. A modern Buddhist philosopher said "suffer what there is to suffer and take joy where there is joy" (or something like that), which is good advice but not always easy to do. The anxiety I've been feeling has been overwhelming and it's inhibited my ability to enjoy life and deal with other people (and the dog).
The other line I've thought about a lot recently is the serenity prayer - "serenity to accept what I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can" - as well as the saying that goes "I cannot direct the wind but I can adjust my sails." It's all about realizing what things you can and cannot control and acting on those things you can deal with.
One way this goes wrong - for me - is the issue of clutter and keeping. The problem becomes overwhelming in seconds and my mind freaks out and tries to flee; how am I supposed to deal with all this stuff and shut off my conflicting emotions? I know that I should get rid of all these things but I'm fixated on saving - as a time capsule or as a future resource - all kinds of information or things. I don't know how to let go of anything. (Fellow Unemployed asked about whether I had every talked to my therapist about it, which I never did - at least not much, or that I recall.)
[interruption - Aunt called]
The answer is "no." Aunt cannot supply the loan I need. Responsible Brother has said no more until I get something going on my own. Domineering Brother is also on me about looking "harder." I feel sick about the whole situation. I have other back-ups to reach out to but who knows how they will respond? I can't count on them anymore than I could my aunt. I am seized once again by anxiety and fear and the feeling I can do nothing to change/fix/remedy my situation. I let it get this bad, it's my fault it's where it is.
Baby is awake, just made her first cry; she's been entertaining herself mostly in her room. I should get her up so that I can feed her and then get over the walk the dog before 2:30 or 3 (I usually go around 1:30 to 2; so today will be late). I don't like stress but I knew this stress was coming (except for the idea of feeding her lunch and the time that would take) and I decided to accept it. New Mom's husband even called to ask if I wanted him to watch the baby while I walked the dog and I waved him off. New Mom suggested I could leave her next door while I went and I said "no problem." Now it's time to put my money where my mouth is and man up.
Sick to My Stomach
I just sent two emails asking for money. One was to someone I asked before; one was to someone I haven't and might not have the right to ask. I feel sick. I'm so scared. They will decide my fate and I expect all kinds of people to be unhappy with me regardless of their answers.
I can't really express anything right now; asking people for money feels like asking them to judge my worthiness and I feel like I come up short in every way. There is no way that I deserve these people's help and I am essentially throwing myself upon their mercy (and expecting none). On the other hand, if I do nothing the situation automatically self-destructs anyway, so it makes no difference if I ask or don't ask. I just wish I didn't have to or that I could cut myself instead.
One ask that I made went well, and I kind of wished that I had asked bigger. My friend's father, who had lent me $400 in January, is lending me another $400. In the nanoseconds as I was asking him to lend it to me, I felt positivity in his voice and wondered if I could ask for more, ask for the whole amount that I need, $2800. But I had committed to only asking him for $400 and I stayed on that course. He agreed with no question and we had a nice conversation after that, as well. One of the worst things that I have discovered in this process of wanting to ask people for money is that I have things to say to all of these people that aren't related to money and that I could have called them and talked to them about anything during all this time, but didn't think I had anything to say.
I am not a caller; I have never called people. Coming from a large family (five kids), I was used to always having people around, so you didn't really need to reach out. Then came college, and I was surrounded by people; then I lived with a girlfriend and it wasn't until I broke up with her and lived on my own that I first experienced disconnection and isolation in a real way. But for all this time I've simply thought that I don't have anything to say; anything relevant to add to people's lives, so why would I call them? Now I suddenly realize I can talk to anyone or can come up with topics to talk to them about (if I think about it; or maybe it will surprise us) and now I'm in a horrible place where I desperately need something from them and it's the last thing I want to talk to them about. It's the same old case of "shoulda/coulda/woulda" and "if I knew then what I know now." Regrets, I've had too many.
On the other hand, I feel like my resources are so great: there are so many people I could ask from, in some ways - family, friends, family friends - people all over the country and all over the map. Although, on the other hand, this process has taught me how few people have extra money to give out, how close the vest everyone seems to be playing it. When I mentally scroll through people in my family to see how they're doing money wise, most of them are probably...I don't know, "just right" in terms of finances. They don't have piles of money laying around that they can lend without thinking about it. There's Successful Friend and there's a cousin in Florida who both have a substantial amount of money; but like most people who have been successful financially, they're also wary of giving any out because they know that's how you end up losing it.
This is my conundrum: just because I would be generous and give away my money in a heartbeat doesn't mean that others should, or will. In fact, maybe my indiscriminate generosity is part of why I don't currently have money. I don't have money because I've never valued myself or it; why should anyone respect me with money if I don't respect myself in that arena?
Oh, it's all so tied up in self-esteem; asking people for money was a huge struggle because I don't think I'm worth it and I expect them to say no; yet I need it so badly in order to maintain my situation - and/or get out of it.
And that's the real issue right there: if I had been able to pack up and leave with no trouble, I might have already made that decision. But moving strikes to the heart of my anxiety: how am I going to deal with the mountains of STUFF I've accumulated? Everyone in my life is going to say throw it away and all of my self-identity and self-worth is tied up in it, so I feel like I can't.
Here's is my dream scenario: I get the money I'm asking for and in the next two months I get a job. OR: in June I am able to manage a peaceful extraction from my current living situation. Where I will go, I don't know. What I will do, I don't know. I have no concept of the future and being able to earn money and afford a place to live; that's one of the things that scares me so much. I can't picture being able to hold down a job and find a new place to live; there are just so many factors involved: a rent I could afford, a landlord that would see me as a good housemate, roommates who would get along with me - my self-esteem doesn't think I would be able to find either of the latter. I am a horrible roommate who ends up covering all the surfaces in the house with paper; I've started doing it again at my house.
In other bad news, I've spent $80-$100 of my babysitting money on takeout instead of real bills or more permanent food. So I'm slipping back into that bad habit, as well. I'm starting to waste food again; I have some eggs that expired Sunday (I'm going to check them and maybe hardboil them) and a loaf of bread that's "best by" date was April 4th. I get sick at myself for being wasteful when I have so little and am asking so much of others.
What's in the good column? I guess that I've stabilized my credit accounts for the moment; I have deals with two of them and I talked to the third and they're happy with what I've done so far. I'm not caught up with any of them but they'll take what I've given them as a good promise of faith. I need to send in my student loan paperwork and try to straighten that out before it becomes too late. I'm not good at dealing with my problems.
The other thing I'm supposed to be working on (today) is applying for jobs. I applied for four in one day last week (and felt pretty good about them; no calls, of course). I have a strategy for today and hope about one or two of them but, if the money thing doesn't work out, they're probably moot points. (I think I'm also assuming that applying will make them a done deal, when that's not guaranteed at all.)
I've made countless notes over the past couple of weeks but I'm not writing them now because I'm standing at a computer and it makes my hip ache (the point about my two cousins having their hips replaced was relevant because ever since I've started coming here to the university to use their computers and have had to stand for hours at a time, I've found my hip aches and worried about whether mine is going to go bad as well. I thought at first it was just something I pulled doing sit-ups one night, but I don't believe that as much anymore).
I can't really express anything right now; asking people for money feels like asking them to judge my worthiness and I feel like I come up short in every way. There is no way that I deserve these people's help and I am essentially throwing myself upon their mercy (and expecting none). On the other hand, if I do nothing the situation automatically self-destructs anyway, so it makes no difference if I ask or don't ask. I just wish I didn't have to or that I could cut myself instead.
One ask that I made went well, and I kind of wished that I had asked bigger. My friend's father, who had lent me $400 in January, is lending me another $400. In the nanoseconds as I was asking him to lend it to me, I felt positivity in his voice and wondered if I could ask for more, ask for the whole amount that I need, $2800. But I had committed to only asking him for $400 and I stayed on that course. He agreed with no question and we had a nice conversation after that, as well. One of the worst things that I have discovered in this process of wanting to ask people for money is that I have things to say to all of these people that aren't related to money and that I could have called them and talked to them about anything during all this time, but didn't think I had anything to say.
I am not a caller; I have never called people. Coming from a large family (five kids), I was used to always having people around, so you didn't really need to reach out. Then came college, and I was surrounded by people; then I lived with a girlfriend and it wasn't until I broke up with her and lived on my own that I first experienced disconnection and isolation in a real way. But for all this time I've simply thought that I don't have anything to say; anything relevant to add to people's lives, so why would I call them? Now I suddenly realize I can talk to anyone or can come up with topics to talk to them about (if I think about it; or maybe it will surprise us) and now I'm in a horrible place where I desperately need something from them and it's the last thing I want to talk to them about. It's the same old case of "shoulda/coulda/woulda" and "if I knew then what I know now." Regrets, I've had too many.
On the other hand, I feel like my resources are so great: there are so many people I could ask from, in some ways - family, friends, family friends - people all over the country and all over the map. Although, on the other hand, this process has taught me how few people have extra money to give out, how close the vest everyone seems to be playing it. When I mentally scroll through people in my family to see how they're doing money wise, most of them are probably...I don't know, "just right" in terms of finances. They don't have piles of money laying around that they can lend without thinking about it. There's Successful Friend and there's a cousin in Florida who both have a substantial amount of money; but like most people who have been successful financially, they're also wary of giving any out because they know that's how you end up losing it.
This is my conundrum: just because I would be generous and give away my money in a heartbeat doesn't mean that others should, or will. In fact, maybe my indiscriminate generosity is part of why I don't currently have money. I don't have money because I've never valued myself or it; why should anyone respect me with money if I don't respect myself in that arena?
Oh, it's all so tied up in self-esteem; asking people for money was a huge struggle because I don't think I'm worth it and I expect them to say no; yet I need it so badly in order to maintain my situation - and/or get out of it.
And that's the real issue right there: if I had been able to pack up and leave with no trouble, I might have already made that decision. But moving strikes to the heart of my anxiety: how am I going to deal with the mountains of STUFF I've accumulated? Everyone in my life is going to say throw it away and all of my self-identity and self-worth is tied up in it, so I feel like I can't.
Here's is my dream scenario: I get the money I'm asking for and in the next two months I get a job. OR: in June I am able to manage a peaceful extraction from my current living situation. Where I will go, I don't know. What I will do, I don't know. I have no concept of the future and being able to earn money and afford a place to live; that's one of the things that scares me so much. I can't picture being able to hold down a job and find a new place to live; there are just so many factors involved: a rent I could afford, a landlord that would see me as a good housemate, roommates who would get along with me - my self-esteem doesn't think I would be able to find either of the latter. I am a horrible roommate who ends up covering all the surfaces in the house with paper; I've started doing it again at my house.
In other bad news, I've spent $80-$100 of my babysitting money on takeout instead of real bills or more permanent food. So I'm slipping back into that bad habit, as well. I'm starting to waste food again; I have some eggs that expired Sunday (I'm going to check them and maybe hardboil them) and a loaf of bread that's "best by" date was April 4th. I get sick at myself for being wasteful when I have so little and am asking so much of others.
What's in the good column? I guess that I've stabilized my credit accounts for the moment; I have deals with two of them and I talked to the third and they're happy with what I've done so far. I'm not caught up with any of them but they'll take what I've given them as a good promise of faith. I need to send in my student loan paperwork and try to straighten that out before it becomes too late. I'm not good at dealing with my problems.
The other thing I'm supposed to be working on (today) is applying for jobs. I applied for four in one day last week (and felt pretty good about them; no calls, of course). I have a strategy for today and hope about one or two of them but, if the money thing doesn't work out, they're probably moot points. (I think I'm also assuming that applying will make them a done deal, when that's not guaranteed at all.)
I've made countless notes over the past couple of weeks but I'm not writing them now because I'm standing at a computer and it makes my hip ache (the point about my two cousins having their hips replaced was relevant because ever since I've started coming here to the university to use their computers and have had to stand for hours at a time, I've found my hip aches and worried about whether mine is going to go bad as well. I thought at first it was just something I pulled doing sit-ups one night, but I don't believe that as much anymore).
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
I Can't Deal With Stress
My chest feels tight. If I had a heart attack, I wouldn't be surprised. I feel like my life is collapsing in on me and I can't handle it. I've managed to continue fucking up and come up against another deadline and it's making me crazy.
My landlord called me on Sunday. I had promised him $1000 by the end of March but hadn't delivered. I freaked out about asking for the money and didn't deliver. So he calls (partly because he just got the gas or electric bills for the winter) and wants to know what's going and mentioning the phrase "exit strategy."
And he's right! There's nothing I can argue. I fucked up again and in my distraction with my new friend Fellow Unemployed, I let the whole rent thing slip because I felt like I was doing my best by applying for five jobs a week. Then I didn't apply the week I was fucked up or the week after and now it's now and I haven't paid him rent in three months and what the fuck is going on??
So now I have two problems: what do I tell him and how do I get the money?
I had people I was going to ask for money when I freaked out; I'll still ask them for money, only more now. But what do I do about the landlord? What can I tell him? I can't just keep stringing him along with promises and delivering nothing. He deserves more; he's been really cool to me.
So I came up with a plan. The plan is, I borrow another shitload of money and I pay off February through May and then halfway through May I pay for June and by the end of June I'm gone (unless I have a job). That's my plan. I don't have any commitments for money yet and I don't know how that's going to go (I'm assuming it'll work out, based on absolutely nothing) and I have no idea how I'll move out or what I'll do with all my shit ("Throw it out!" says everyone in my life) or where I'll live but it seems like a definite plan and it's an answer where before there wasn't one.
Yesterday I was freaked out all day because I had to call people to ask for money. The problem is, there's no reason they should lend me money. I'm a bad investment. I can't promise any kind of return. If I could run a Ponzi scheme, I would. I've even thought of doing that in terms of people lending me money. At one point I thought maybe I could borrow enough from someone to pay a month or two of rent and pay back Successful Friend so at least I had that monkey off my back. Now I'm just looking to invite a new flock of monkeys to nest there.
Bills I can't pay:
1. rent
2. old taxes
3. credit cards
4. medical bills
5. student loan
6. personal loans
I'm so incredibly fucked and I did nothing to improve my prospects over those years when I had the freedom to act and now it's all coming home to roost. I hate myself for being a bad person because I'm not working hard enough to get a job and I hate myself for not wanting to work any harder. I hate myself for asking people for money and for being a bad investment. I hate myself for being a non-drug drug addict in my behaviors. I hate myself for not being a functioning member of society. I hate myself.
Today I realized that my urge to hurt myself has to do with the sympathy one gives you when you are hurt. The couple of times I've had to be in the hospital, people have been really good to me, and you can't blame somebody who's physically hurt. But physically hurting yourself isn't the same thing as being in a car accident or getting cancer; you can be blamed for hurting yourself and it is your fault for doing so. That means it's not an answer for me because it doesn't solve the emotional fear problem (which it wouldn't solve anyway, as the stressors would all remain the second I was out of the hospital).
I wonder how other people deal with stress; what it's like when this much mental anguish piles up on them and they really don't feel like they can handle it.
I guess the answer would be to shift one's thinking, to focus on sources of strength and abilities that you have. (I felt it for a second there.) I have a hard time doing that and/or maintaining it. I can't keep thinking I'm going to win for more than an hour or so and then I become convinced that I'm a shitty human being again and I deserve to be ground into the dust.
I sat down to write this because I need to at least be able to pour all these negative feelings out of myself and I don't really feel like I can do that with anyone. Fellow Unemployed loses that designation today as she goes back to work and she doesn't have the time to hear me rant - but she's also dealing with her own negative pile on of stress in going back to a job she has very negative memories and feelings about and worrying about losing herself and slipping back into bad patterns of behavior. So we're not very good helpers for each other as we're both struggling with our own problems. (I felt bad that I couldn't be gracious or sympathetic with her as I was just filled to overflowing with anxiety and half-angry at everything because of that anxiety.)
I suppose I could call my sister-in-law and bitch to her; she knows what this is like and is going through something very similar. I don't know if she has answers but at least she has a sympathetic ear.
If only I could humble myself. If only I knew how to put my head down and work. If only I wasn't so fucking spoiled. Who do I think I am?? I told Fellow Unemployed yesterday that I am equally of two minds: 1. That I am entitled to endless money that I don't have to work for, and 2. That I am worth nothing and don't deserve anything except to end up miserable and alone for my shitty behaviors.
Ah, God. Stomach is a mess. Haven't eaten anything. Feel absolutely fucking lousy. Nothing is resolved because I haven't talked to the potential lenders or the landlord (left a message for the first two yesterday and one for the landlord earlier; my plan was to call him at 9 tonight so I left him a message to say that). I don't feel right doing anything because I want so badly for this to all be fixed - or at least resolved - so that I knew what my future was. Right now I can't act at all because the anxiety crowds out all thought or emotion and I just feel sick. For a second just now I had a glimpse of relaxing ("do what you can when you can, otherwise, relax") but it's hard to maintain. I feel afraid and like a target because I feel like I deserve to be; I got myself here.
Going to walk the dog. Who knows when we will speak again. (Although I'm planning to hang out here this afternoon; somehow I feel like it's better than my house; maybe because it has TV riches)(if I can emotionally access them).
My landlord called me on Sunday. I had promised him $1000 by the end of March but hadn't delivered. I freaked out about asking for the money and didn't deliver. So he calls (partly because he just got the gas or electric bills for the winter) and wants to know what's going and mentioning the phrase "exit strategy."
And he's right! There's nothing I can argue. I fucked up again and in my distraction with my new friend Fellow Unemployed, I let the whole rent thing slip because I felt like I was doing my best by applying for five jobs a week. Then I didn't apply the week I was fucked up or the week after and now it's now and I haven't paid him rent in three months and what the fuck is going on??
So now I have two problems: what do I tell him and how do I get the money?
I had people I was going to ask for money when I freaked out; I'll still ask them for money, only more now. But what do I do about the landlord? What can I tell him? I can't just keep stringing him along with promises and delivering nothing. He deserves more; he's been really cool to me.
So I came up with a plan. The plan is, I borrow another shitload of money and I pay off February through May and then halfway through May I pay for June and by the end of June I'm gone (unless I have a job). That's my plan. I don't have any commitments for money yet and I don't know how that's going to go (I'm assuming it'll work out, based on absolutely nothing) and I have no idea how I'll move out or what I'll do with all my shit ("Throw it out!" says everyone in my life) or where I'll live but it seems like a definite plan and it's an answer where before there wasn't one.
Yesterday I was freaked out all day because I had to call people to ask for money. The problem is, there's no reason they should lend me money. I'm a bad investment. I can't promise any kind of return. If I could run a Ponzi scheme, I would. I've even thought of doing that in terms of people lending me money. At one point I thought maybe I could borrow enough from someone to pay a month or two of rent and pay back Successful Friend so at least I had that monkey off my back. Now I'm just looking to invite a new flock of monkeys to nest there.
Bills I can't pay:
1. rent
2. old taxes
3. credit cards
4. medical bills
5. student loan
6. personal loans
I'm so incredibly fucked and I did nothing to improve my prospects over those years when I had the freedom to act and now it's all coming home to roost. I hate myself for being a bad person because I'm not working hard enough to get a job and I hate myself for not wanting to work any harder. I hate myself for asking people for money and for being a bad investment. I hate myself for being a non-drug drug addict in my behaviors. I hate myself for not being a functioning member of society. I hate myself.
Today I realized that my urge to hurt myself has to do with the sympathy one gives you when you are hurt. The couple of times I've had to be in the hospital, people have been really good to me, and you can't blame somebody who's physically hurt. But physically hurting yourself isn't the same thing as being in a car accident or getting cancer; you can be blamed for hurting yourself and it is your fault for doing so. That means it's not an answer for me because it doesn't solve the emotional fear problem (which it wouldn't solve anyway, as the stressors would all remain the second I was out of the hospital).
I wonder how other people deal with stress; what it's like when this much mental anguish piles up on them and they really don't feel like they can handle it.
I guess the answer would be to shift one's thinking, to focus on sources of strength and abilities that you have. (I felt it for a second there.) I have a hard time doing that and/or maintaining it. I can't keep thinking I'm going to win for more than an hour or so and then I become convinced that I'm a shitty human being again and I deserve to be ground into the dust.
I sat down to write this because I need to at least be able to pour all these negative feelings out of myself and I don't really feel like I can do that with anyone. Fellow Unemployed loses that designation today as she goes back to work and she doesn't have the time to hear me rant - but she's also dealing with her own negative pile on of stress in going back to a job she has very negative memories and feelings about and worrying about losing herself and slipping back into bad patterns of behavior. So we're not very good helpers for each other as we're both struggling with our own problems. (I felt bad that I couldn't be gracious or sympathetic with her as I was just filled to overflowing with anxiety and half-angry at everything because of that anxiety.)
I suppose I could call my sister-in-law and bitch to her; she knows what this is like and is going through something very similar. I don't know if she has answers but at least she has a sympathetic ear.
If only I could humble myself. If only I knew how to put my head down and work. If only I wasn't so fucking spoiled. Who do I think I am?? I told Fellow Unemployed yesterday that I am equally of two minds: 1. That I am entitled to endless money that I don't have to work for, and 2. That I am worth nothing and don't deserve anything except to end up miserable and alone for my shitty behaviors.
Ah, God. Stomach is a mess. Haven't eaten anything. Feel absolutely fucking lousy. Nothing is resolved because I haven't talked to the potential lenders or the landlord (left a message for the first two yesterday and one for the landlord earlier; my plan was to call him at 9 tonight so I left him a message to say that). I don't feel right doing anything because I want so badly for this to all be fixed - or at least resolved - so that I knew what my future was. Right now I can't act at all because the anxiety crowds out all thought or emotion and I just feel sick. For a second just now I had a glimpse of relaxing ("do what you can when you can, otherwise, relax") but it's hard to maintain. I feel afraid and like a target because I feel like I deserve to be; I got myself here.
Going to walk the dog. Who knows when we will speak again. (Although I'm planning to hang out here this afternoon; somehow I feel like it's better than my house; maybe because it has TV riches)(if I can emotionally access them).
Friday, April 05, 2013
Good Ol' Charlie
I've been watching a fair amount of Charlie Rose recently and these are some random notes I made.
Ben Brantley, theater critic for the New York Times: his enormous mouth looks like that of a ventriloquist's dummy. I feel bad for him because I know I can't be the only one who sees that, yet there's nothing he can do to control it. (I wonder if it's what led to him being a writer in the first place; whether being teased for something physical made him retreat to the mental and drove him to develop a skill that allowed him to be alone while doing it and that depended on his intellect, rather than his looks.)
Former Middle East Peace envoy George Mitchell: It would seem that my suggestions of the Saudis buying properties is moot since everyone seems to be saying the muslim population is going to grow to such a point the Jews will be a minority in Israel.
Eddie Hayes, lawyer for Mike McAlary: How many writers watched him on Charlie Rose and thought: "Man, what an awesome character!" He certainly made me want to make a movie that involved him or revolved around him (or an approximation of him) somehow.
(Also of interest to me in that conversation was the guests talking about New York City at a particular time. I made a note one day that it would be a great project to try to round up all kinds of documentary, news and student film footage from the last four decades to try to piece together a portrait of the city - visually - as it was in each of those times. They showed a bit of video - I think it was on that episode - that showed a couple of city lots with rubble and debris in them, buildings that had fallen down or were falling down - and I wondered: where were those buildings? What was it like then?)
During the discussions on Mike McAlary, they showed clips from an interview Charlie Rose did with him in 1994 and, seeing Charlie Rose as a younger man, I wondered: "How did Charlie Rose become Charlie Rose?" How did he get this single subject, in depth interview show that is so unlike so much of television - other than CSPAN - today? (I have yet to look that up.)
Today Charlie was talking with Rashid Khalidi about Israel and Palestine and as they went through names of leaders and actors and talked about the history of the conflict and the countries, I thought: "Charlie Rose knows so much!" Then I thought about that! He knows politics, he knows finance, he knows science, he knows art - Good Lord! It's exhausting just thinking about everything he knows. How does he keep it all in his head?!
That made me think: what could I know, if I chose to? How much could I read and take in, how many subjects could I find mastery of? I don't know that I have the interest or the focus to take on all these topics - and perhaps this is the exact role that Charlie Rose plays; he is the interpreter between me and the scientist, me and the financier (or author on that subject), me and politics - but I certainly have an interest in them and would like to always know more or be able to speak confidently or with...uh, mastery, on them.
Ben Brantley, theater critic for the New York Times: his enormous mouth looks like that of a ventriloquist's dummy. I feel bad for him because I know I can't be the only one who sees that, yet there's nothing he can do to control it. (I wonder if it's what led to him being a writer in the first place; whether being teased for something physical made him retreat to the mental and drove him to develop a skill that allowed him to be alone while doing it and that depended on his intellect, rather than his looks.)
Former Middle East Peace envoy George Mitchell: It would seem that my suggestions of the Saudis buying properties is moot since everyone seems to be saying the muslim population is going to grow to such a point the Jews will be a minority in Israel.
Eddie Hayes, lawyer for Mike McAlary: How many writers watched him on Charlie Rose and thought: "Man, what an awesome character!" He certainly made me want to make a movie that involved him or revolved around him (or an approximation of him) somehow.
(Also of interest to me in that conversation was the guests talking about New York City at a particular time. I made a note one day that it would be a great project to try to round up all kinds of documentary, news and student film footage from the last four decades to try to piece together a portrait of the city - visually - as it was in each of those times. They showed a bit of video - I think it was on that episode - that showed a couple of city lots with rubble and debris in them, buildings that had fallen down or were falling down - and I wondered: where were those buildings? What was it like then?)
During the discussions on Mike McAlary, they showed clips from an interview Charlie Rose did with him in 1994 and, seeing Charlie Rose as a younger man, I wondered: "How did Charlie Rose become Charlie Rose?" How did he get this single subject, in depth interview show that is so unlike so much of television - other than CSPAN - today? (I have yet to look that up.)
Today Charlie was talking with Rashid Khalidi about Israel and Palestine and as they went through names of leaders and actors and talked about the history of the conflict and the countries, I thought: "Charlie Rose knows so much!" Then I thought about that! He knows politics, he knows finance, he knows science, he knows art - Good Lord! It's exhausting just thinking about everything he knows. How does he keep it all in his head?!
That made me think: what could I know, if I chose to? How much could I read and take in, how many subjects could I find mastery of? I don't know that I have the interest or the focus to take on all these topics - and perhaps this is the exact role that Charlie Rose plays; he is the interpreter between me and the scientist, me and the financier (or author on that subject), me and politics - but I certainly have an interest in them and would like to always know more or be able to speak confidently or with...uh, mastery, on them.
Online Stuff Today
Gangs Rat Selves Out With Tweets of Blammers, Biscuits and Shellz
‘Brown Bunny’: A Look Back at Roger Ebert’s Famous Pan
North Korea asks embassies to consider moving diplomats out
I think - regarding the last one - that the British and other embassies should start acting bored, having staff members lounging around on the steps smoking cigarettes or on balconies (if they exist) drinking cups of tea or coffee for hours like nothing's going on. The other idea is to start hosting raucous parties to make it seem as if they don't care what happens to them. I would advise that they hang some kind of huge sign on the front of their embassy (like: "USA says: We love North Korea!") but I'm guessing they're trying to shy away from provocative actions.
North Korea asks embassies to consider moving diplomats out
I think - regarding the last one - that the British and other embassies should start acting bored, having staff members lounging around on the steps smoking cigarettes or on balconies (if they exist) drinking cups of tea or coffee for hours like nothing's going on. The other idea is to start hosting raucous parties to make it seem as if they don't care what happens to them. I would advise that they hang some kind of huge sign on the front of their embassy (like: "USA says: We love North Korea!") but I'm guessing they're trying to shy away from provocative actions.
One Day at The Library
There is a bookshelf at the local university library labeled "Popular Reading." I glanced through it and saw title after title I'd be interested in reading. But there were so many; was I really going to write them all down?
I figured out a better way.
I figured out a better way.
On the day I took these pictures (March 14th), I went through almost all the books on one of the shelves and read the inside cover flap. I was intrigued by almost every single one. (The one I remember in particular was an alternate take on the Rapture: a bunch of random people disappear from a town - and all over the world, I believe - and what do the people do after? I like those kinds of books, that contemplate the "after" of some other great (or small) action.)
It was also overwhelming: if I want to read all these books and they all came out this year (not true, but I thought it at the time), how am I ever going to catch up on all the reading that is coming out all the time and in all the years I've missed? How can I ever catch up?
"The Racketeer" by John Grisham was on the shelf, and I read it there in the library over the course of two days. When I would lose focus and not be able to concentrate on the book, I would look over and see "VICTOR CRUZ" and think "What is that book about??" I never looked, but that is the kind of book my addict mind would choose just for its spine.
I am the kind of person who gets caught up by images and titles. The blue book at the right of this picture is called "Social Media Is Bullshit" (I think). That made me really want to know what it was about (or see an interview with the author on The Daily Show or Charlie Rose or give a talk on CSPAN). The problem is a lot of time I don't feel I have the amount of focus needed to read the whole book; I just want to learn about it (which I also think is cheating and lazy).
Thursday, April 04, 2013
My Petty Goings-On
I've been having a bunch of emotional difficulties lately. Monday I emailed Successful Friend's wife with a bunch of suggestions for interactive activities between me and her kids. Yesterday I sent a second email apologizing in case she thought I was just throwing activities at her and didn't respect that she had enough work going on in her life already. She replied that she wasn't responding because she wanted me to take that energy and use it on my own behalf. I didn't know what to do with that and felt hurt and stunted because the ideas that I had had were my first burst of creative, fun energy in a few days and it was something I was kind of looking forward to, a project I could work on.
Yesterday I also texted my brother (#2) about the fact that I hadn't paid my part of the cell phone bill but I could give him two month's worth in the middle of the month. He replied that he wasn't so concerned about the money (it's pretty small) but that he was more concerned about me getting a job and that I should try harder. I felt scolded and shamed, even though he acknowledged that it was hard (in all caps). My internal response was to complain that he got a job through an acquaintance (and didn't have to look for it) and that he has retail experience (plenty of it), so he'd be attractive to those kinds employers, whereas I am not.
Basically I just felt like a failure and like a bad person and I didn't know what to do with that.
Add to that the fact that I've been fighting with Fellow Unemployed this week - she doesn't see it that way, but I do; she gets annoyed with me because I do certain things (mostly don't communicate) and then I have to explain and defend myself, which leaves me feeling bad about myself (even though that isn't her aim, either).
What has happened with her - partly - is that I am a book/newspaper person and she is an internet person. What I mean by that is that I can have occasional contact and be okay, whereas she is always on. She calls me several times a day and wants to hang out every day, whenever I have time. At first I thought it was an intense neediness; she has since explained to me that she likes hanging out with me and enjoys my company and so wants to be around me. I have trouble with this concept because my default setting is to discount myself and I don't know what to do with said information.
In any case, the clashes have happened because I don't feel I have the right to ask for my own time or my own space - first because I felt like she honestly needed my help, but then second (with the new explanation) because it seemed rude: why am I dissing her or brushing her off? She just wants to be my friend. (That's what I would hear her voice say in my head.) I still get that vibe from her (that any time I don't commit to her is cheating her somehow) but she says it's not so and it's just that I need to explain myself better and communicate better. I can believe this is true because I think, in relationships, I tend to subsume my needs over and over and over and say it's no problem until BAM! - it's a problem.
On Tuesday, we had this issue: Most Tuesdays, we've hung out; she doesn't have her exercise class that day, so she's free all day and can get stuff done. She has anxiety around a lot of the things she needs to get done, so she could use my help (although again, I get that confused with the "likes to be around me" part).
This week, I'm dog walking in the middle of the days. We usually meet up and drive 30 minutes up towards Baltimore, spending in the day in her town. That seemed obviously out to me, since I was going to be walking the dog between 12 and 2. She was waiting for me to give some indication of how the day would go, but I didn't think of going up late in the day and staying until later at night (although I'd stayed until 8 or so the week before). So I was thinking we couldn't do our regular thing and she was thinking we could, only with different hours. Because we never had that discussion, things broke down and assumptions were made and it didn't work out.
There is another complication, which I'm sure you all see or feel, even if I don't say it. I don't know how much she likes me. I don't know if she could move into the like like phase. I don't think I could reciprocate (even though she has a lot of good qualities for a girlfriend), so I worry about that issue. Also (further complication, which I hesitate to type) I've had sexual fantasies about her. And I think that we are so easy with each other, or she trust me so much, that were I to attempt to seduce her, it would go off without a hitch. But like I say, I couldn't have a full relationship with her because of my own insecurities. So if I were to seduce her, it would be to use her for sex, to use her to fulfill a sensual need that I feel - and that's not fair to her. That's not nice, as she would say.
Of course, my reasons for not wanting to date her or have her for a girlfriend are totally shallow, superficial hang-ups that really aren't nice and would make me sound really mean. But they complicate the relationship as it is because I don't want to discuss this potential and yet the way she crowds my life makes me feel like we're already having a relationship at this point. Just that she wants so much of me makes me uncomfortable; I almost don't like that much attention.
I feel so juvenile and stupid and shallow today. I can't make good decisions around my own life and I don't know how to have proper human relationships with other people. It's fucking annoying and I wish I could bail out somehow - which is why I always think of suicide, because it's the ultimate bailout. I don't wanna be responsible; I don't wanna deal with the stress of life; I don't wanna have to deal with complex human interactions and emotions; I just wanna take my ball and go home. Childish.
Today I'm kind of taking a break from her and hanging out with the dog (and also watching some TV on my friend's big TV). I should be applying for jobs but it's a really defeating exercise and I don't want to. I suppose I could use some of her supportive energy for that, but I don't like relying on other people. I had a hard time early on in the relationship because I went into that dip and she really wanted to know what was bothering me but I really didn't want to tell her; her knowing what is making me upset exposes a major weakness and I don't like being vulnerable like that. There were a couple of times when I was giving her a kind of inspiring speech about work that I almost broke down and I had to catch myself because I didn't want her to have access to my weakness; I already cried in Divorced Friend's kitchen all those months ago and I hate that she (DF) has access to that memory; that she has knowledge of that pain in me.
All this speaks to me being incredibly emotionally fucked up and sure, I suppose that's the case. But I want to say fuck off, leave me alone and let me try to heal a little bit and figure it out for myself. Because of talking to my brother, I was having the millionaire fantasy again in the past 24 hours: Mailing each of my siblings $12,000, buying myself a house and then taking a trip and not talking to them for months at a time. Maybe I'd call my sister-in-law; fuck the rest of them, I'm obviously not good enough to be one of them.
That's my same feeling about suicide: fuck all of you, I'm obviously not qualified to be a human being, so I'll die instead. If only I wasn't such a pussy I'm afraid to die.
Yesterday I also texted my brother (#2) about the fact that I hadn't paid my part of the cell phone bill but I could give him two month's worth in the middle of the month. He replied that he wasn't so concerned about the money (it's pretty small) but that he was more concerned about me getting a job and that I should try harder. I felt scolded and shamed, even though he acknowledged that it was hard (in all caps). My internal response was to complain that he got a job through an acquaintance (and didn't have to look for it) and that he has retail experience (plenty of it), so he'd be attractive to those kinds employers, whereas I am not.
Basically I just felt like a failure and like a bad person and I didn't know what to do with that.
Add to that the fact that I've been fighting with Fellow Unemployed this week - she doesn't see it that way, but I do; she gets annoyed with me because I do certain things (mostly don't communicate) and then I have to explain and defend myself, which leaves me feeling bad about myself (even though that isn't her aim, either).
What has happened with her - partly - is that I am a book/newspaper person and she is an internet person. What I mean by that is that I can have occasional contact and be okay, whereas she is always on. She calls me several times a day and wants to hang out every day, whenever I have time. At first I thought it was an intense neediness; she has since explained to me that she likes hanging out with me and enjoys my company and so wants to be around me. I have trouble with this concept because my default setting is to discount myself and I don't know what to do with said information.
In any case, the clashes have happened because I don't feel I have the right to ask for my own time or my own space - first because I felt like she honestly needed my help, but then second (with the new explanation) because it seemed rude: why am I dissing her or brushing her off? She just wants to be my friend. (That's what I would hear her voice say in my head.) I still get that vibe from her (that any time I don't commit to her is cheating her somehow) but she says it's not so and it's just that I need to explain myself better and communicate better. I can believe this is true because I think, in relationships, I tend to subsume my needs over and over and over and say it's no problem until BAM! - it's a problem.
On Tuesday, we had this issue: Most Tuesdays, we've hung out; she doesn't have her exercise class that day, so she's free all day and can get stuff done. She has anxiety around a lot of the things she needs to get done, so she could use my help (although again, I get that confused with the "likes to be around me" part).
This week, I'm dog walking in the middle of the days. We usually meet up and drive 30 minutes up towards Baltimore, spending in the day in her town. That seemed obviously out to me, since I was going to be walking the dog between 12 and 2. She was waiting for me to give some indication of how the day would go, but I didn't think of going up late in the day and staying until later at night (although I'd stayed until 8 or so the week before). So I was thinking we couldn't do our regular thing and she was thinking we could, only with different hours. Because we never had that discussion, things broke down and assumptions were made and it didn't work out.
There is another complication, which I'm sure you all see or feel, even if I don't say it. I don't know how much she likes me. I don't know if she could move into the like like phase. I don't think I could reciprocate (even though she has a lot of good qualities for a girlfriend), so I worry about that issue. Also (further complication, which I hesitate to type) I've had sexual fantasies about her. And I think that we are so easy with each other, or she trust me so much, that were I to attempt to seduce her, it would go off without a hitch. But like I say, I couldn't have a full relationship with her because of my own insecurities. So if I were to seduce her, it would be to use her for sex, to use her to fulfill a sensual need that I feel - and that's not fair to her. That's not nice, as she would say.
Of course, my reasons for not wanting to date her or have her for a girlfriend are totally shallow, superficial hang-ups that really aren't nice and would make me sound really mean. But they complicate the relationship as it is because I don't want to discuss this potential and yet the way she crowds my life makes me feel like we're already having a relationship at this point. Just that she wants so much of me makes me uncomfortable; I almost don't like that much attention.
I feel so juvenile and stupid and shallow today. I can't make good decisions around my own life and I don't know how to have proper human relationships with other people. It's fucking annoying and I wish I could bail out somehow - which is why I always think of suicide, because it's the ultimate bailout. I don't wanna be responsible; I don't wanna deal with the stress of life; I don't wanna have to deal with complex human interactions and emotions; I just wanna take my ball and go home. Childish.
Today I'm kind of taking a break from her and hanging out with the dog (and also watching some TV on my friend's big TV). I should be applying for jobs but it's a really defeating exercise and I don't want to. I suppose I could use some of her supportive energy for that, but I don't like relying on other people. I had a hard time early on in the relationship because I went into that dip and she really wanted to know what was bothering me but I really didn't want to tell her; her knowing what is making me upset exposes a major weakness and I don't like being vulnerable like that. There were a couple of times when I was giving her a kind of inspiring speech about work that I almost broke down and I had to catch myself because I didn't want her to have access to my weakness; I already cried in Divorced Friend's kitchen all those months ago and I hate that she (DF) has access to that memory; that she has knowledge of that pain in me.
All this speaks to me being incredibly emotionally fucked up and sure, I suppose that's the case. But I want to say fuck off, leave me alone and let me try to heal a little bit and figure it out for myself. Because of talking to my brother, I was having the millionaire fantasy again in the past 24 hours: Mailing each of my siblings $12,000, buying myself a house and then taking a trip and not talking to them for months at a time. Maybe I'd call my sister-in-law; fuck the rest of them, I'm obviously not good enough to be one of them.
That's my same feeling about suicide: fuck all of you, I'm obviously not qualified to be a human being, so I'll die instead. If only I wasn't such a pussy I'm afraid to die.
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